


Welcome To The Rest Of Your Life

by KaiserKris



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, DC universe - Freeform, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Marvel Universe, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Rap Music, Reality TV, Sadstuck, Service Dogs, Stealth Crossover, Talk Shows, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-05-14 16:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 30,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14772836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaiserKris/pseuds/KaiserKris
Summary: The kids have won the game. Lord English, as far as they can tell, is no more threat to them, if he still exists. They've been put into a world where humans, trolls and carapacians live together. Together, they're learning about the brave new world they've been thrust into, and about each other.Unfortunately, the ghosts of the past don't seem to want to rest.This started as a shameless fluff series, but a plot's definitely taken shape.





	1. ROXY: FONDLY REGARD JOHN

Your experience tells you that boys aren’t interested in you, or are oblivious to your interest completely. The books you have read suggest that men are something of a parasitic, predatory kind who are only interested in getting laid. Given the evidence before you, it was probably safe to assume that you didn’t have particularly high expectations of romance, even in this weird new world where humans, trolls and those adorable little chess people all lived together. 

 

None of that experience was in any way a preparation or harbinger for what it was like to date John Egbert. 

 

Not that long ago, he was actually pretty oblivious to your interest in him, but that hasn’t been true since you’ve stepped through that door. He’s still an adorable goof and a lovable derp of course, but he’s also grown up a lot, forged in the sick fires of SBURB into …  _ okay, he’s rly rly hot. Those abs, gf? DAT SMILE THO.  _

 

You could ruminate for some time on John’s physical charms and chances were pretty great that you would do so at some length in the near future. 

 

But that wasn’t the point of this stream of thought. 

 

The point is that John likes  _ you.  _ Cares about  _ you.  _ Thinks that being with  _ you _ is worth putting some real effort and imagination into. It matters less than nothing to you that a lot of his grand romantic gestures end up being hilarious fails. That’s not the point and it never has been the point. 

 

The point is that John sees you as someone worth being with. As a person who is worth loving. 

 

That body, so well-shaped from years of swinging about ridiculously oversized hammers? Icing on the Johncake. Really good icing, like, some of that cream cheese icing.  _ Mmm, cream cheese frosting.  _ But a bonus, awesome in and of itself, but not remotely as valuable as the strange and beautiful feeling of being valued. 

 

He’s not the only person who loves you- you know that. Your sister, Rose, loves you and that’s pretty awesome. You’ve learned a lot from each other, though she seems way better at navigating the crazy new reality you’ve inherited than you. Then again, she grew up on a world with people on it. You know Dirk and Janey and Jake love you too, but there’s weird complicated issues with all of them. You’ve honestly found yourself hanging out more with your sister’s friends. 

 

There’s Callie. And you love Callie  _ so much  _ and that she loves you too-  _ so much.  _ And you honestly thought she’s adorable! But you also remembered the one time that you tried, a little, to do something with her. You just wanted to make her feel good. But you’ll never forget the way she looked at you, guilty and ashamed and a bit scared. It’s fine. You’re pretty sure it’s fine now. But you’ll never forget how horrible you felt in that instant her eyes met yours. 

 

John? John’s … just kind of a tease. There’s probably some shyness there. After all, for all you’ve been through, neither of you have had much time to get romantic or sexual experience. You’re pretty sure he’s a virgin, just like you. But he doesn’t seem especially ashamed of it. And he’s definitely interested in you. You  _ know  _ that. But he also seems to like teasing you, just a little. 

 

Which is infuriating, but also kind of awesome? You kinda dig that he plays hard to get. You like to think it’ll make the getting even more awesome. 

 

“Hey, Roxy!” 

 

Speak of the devil. The handsome devil, who has flowers for you.  _ You.  _ Also, he’s wearing a suit that you’re willing to bet boonbonds was made by Kanaya. Which is to say that it does all sorts of things to and for you. That suit is totally second-basing you just by existing and being on Egbert. 

 

“Hey, John.” Your eyes go up and down the merchandise appreciatively, but settle on those bright blue eyes and big, guileless smile. Before you know it, though, you’re being swooped up in those big strong arms and kissed. You don’t need the second cue. And if Egbert thought he was just getting a little peck, he was really, really wrong because you’re determined to make things just a little NSFW. Or at least PG-13. 

 

You should probably be a bit more mindful of the PDA. But you’ve been out of fucks for a long time and can’t be bothered to go to the fuck store and buy more fucks. 

 

Unless John’s willing to provide, of course. 

 

;)


	2. TEREZI: ACQUIRE BARKBEAST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's dream of a quiet life in the suburbs starts to collapse around him. 
> 
> Terezi on the other hand, is pretty happy. Apparently blind people get barkbeasts! How excellent! 
> 
> They can smell things together!

“TEREZI, I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE HOME BECAUSE THE FUCKING HOUSE WAS UNLOCKED. WHICH IS PRETTY STUPID AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK IS A COLLAR DOING AT THE DOOR. I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO BUT I THOUGHT WE ESTABLISHED I WASN’T INTO THAT BONDAGE SHIT- LIKE I THOUGHT-” 

 

You stop for a moment. Because you’re pretty sure you heard something, a low, sonorous  _ woof.  _ You freeze and pray to the Old Gods of Alternia and the various human gods and fuck, even to your godtier friends, that that  _ woof  _ was just Jade and maybe Jade and Dave were over. That was okay. They were your friends, even if they made you want to crawl out of your own carapace and run off, dripping blood and bile, all the way back into the hell that was SBURB. 

 

But they were your friends and you loved them. And hated them. But mostly loved them. It was a complicated, infuriating kind of love, but keenly felt nonetheless. So you were going to assume it was Jade and Dave. Maybe they were having a listen party with their most recent silly recording. Actually, even though they were ridiculous, sometimes you felt yourself inadvertently moving along with the rhythms. You put it down to some foul Earth psychic magic. 

 

You hear Terezi’s insane cackle not too long afterwards and you briefly wonder at what point that particular sound became not only agreeable to you, but actively beautiful. Objectively, it sounded like the foul mating of the Earth pop culture villain the Joker’s laugh with the sensation of sensate nubs rubbing on a limestone recorder. 

 

But it meant that your matesprit was happy. Which made you happy. But also frightened, because your matesprit is fucking insane. 

 

And while you contemplate the complicated dichotomy of your relationship with Terezi Pyrope, you are promptly bowled over by a large, furred, stinking creature that seem eager to apply its tongue to your face. Which in and of itself, you’re kind of used to- it’s not like Terezi doesn’t lick your face plenty. But she’s significantly less drooly- her tongue’s actually fairly dry and her hair smells nice, faintly like miniature blue spheres. 

 

“TEREZI WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GIGANTIC BARKBEAST ON ME?” You shout out as you try to extricate yourself from the huge creature, which woofs excitedly at you and then flops onto you in what you think is some gross sign of affection from the stinking creature.  _ FUCKING GROSS. I THINK IT LIKES ME. WHICH PROBABLY MEANS I’LL REGRET HAULING IT OFF TO THAT PLACE WHERE THEY KILL DUMB ANIMALS THAT CAN’T FIND HOMES.  _

 

“I’m blind!” Terezi exclaims excitedly as she eases over next to the barkbeast, which immediately scuttles off to her, licking her face- which at least, meant that it wasn’t licking his face. Karkat had learned from hard experience to take any small relief possible. 

 

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHY THERE IS A HUGE BARKBEAST IN OUR LOVELY LITTLE HIVE?” Karkat tried his best to emphasize  _ little.  _ He liked his little human-style hive in the pretty little tree-lined suburban neighbourhood. The quiet life suited him. He’d thought about getting a small purrbeast or maybe a featherbeast with nice colourful feathers. But Terezi had gone and got a colossal barkbeast instead. 

 

“Blind people get free barkbeasts! He’s trained to help!” Terezi cackled with glee. 

 

“RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU’RE SO DISABLED. DON’T YOU SMELL LIGHT? CAN’T YOU TRAIN PURRBEASTS FOR THAT?” Karkat felt his valve sink as the barkbeast ambled up to him again to butt its think pan against him. 

 

“Inspector Floppyears likes you!” Terezi cackled again and moved swiftly behind Karkat, wrapping her arms around him and putting her think pan on his shoulder. “I know it’s a surprise, but we can keep him, right?” Out of the corner of his vision globes, he could see Terezi looking at him with big, red sightless vision globes. Right in front of him, the so-called Inspector was looking at him with big, brown ones.

 

Karkat was a logical troll. He knew when he was beaten. 

 

“FINE. THE INSPECTOR CAN STAY.” 

 

Karkat reached over to gently pet the Inspector, who eased his think pan underneath Karkat’s hand to make the task slightly easier. Karkat felt that familiar feeling in his valve as he continued to pet the barkbeast. The human disease of friendship was already beginning to take hold. 

 

Stupid human diseases. 

  
  



	3. ROSE: ABSCOND FROM FAMILY HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is selling her childhood home in upstate New York, apparently to some School for the Gifted? 
> 
> I'm sure that has no significance to anything. 
> 
> Also, there's some Rose/Kanaya element.

Rose never would have imagined in her life that her works of wizardly fiction were ever going to be published, let alone turned into an ultra-high budget HBO series.  _ The Complacency of the Learned  _ had become a smash hit just when the venerable premium cable channel badly needed one, as  _ Game of Thrones  _ wound down from its final season. A staggeringly elite lineup of directors, producers and actors had joyfully lent their talent to the production, each episode of which cost nearly 20 million to produce- or about one boondollar for each person who watched a new episode when it premiered. 

 

Rose Lalonde had not expected to become famous, but yet she was. Millions of people from three distinct species were clamouring for the next chapter of the ever-deepening saga. An entire degree program at Columbia University had been devoted to the intense study of the  _ Complacency  _ novels from a huge variety of philosophical, esoteric and ideological viewpoints. It was immensely satisfying, but also exhausting. 

 

Being famous was exhausting. 

 

As it happened, however, Rose was not currently engaged in writing her wizardly epic or in dealing with any particular facet of the vast fame it had brought her. Instead, she was doing something far more mundane, yet pregnant with significance for her. 

 

Rose Lalonde had just sold her family home, the great mansion she’d grown up in Upstate New York, which had somehow reemerged pristine from the upheavals of Sburb. At first, Rose had been overjoyed to see her old family home. But it hadn’t taken long before she realized that it felt like a graveyard of memories, many of which were traumatic. Even months later, she often expected to see her mother when she turned the corner. 

 

But Mom wasn’t there. A form of Mom, in a sense, did exist. But Roxy was Rose’s sister, not her mother. It was unfair to saddle Roxy with those unresolved emotions. They had their own relationship to build, free of the burden of history.  _ I wish I could have told my Mother I loved her. Or even a proper goodbye.  _

 

A gentle hand on hers brought Rose out of her slightly self-pitying reverie. 

 

“Ready?” Kanaya smiled slightly, managing to look effortlessly elegant and beautiful just by existing, as well as graceful, wise and strong- the latter part of which had been dramatically demonstrated not too long ago when she’d single handedly carried a grand piano out of the old mansion. “I believe that this School for the Gifted will make good use of the grounds.” 

 

“I think so. The Professor seems like a very kind gentleman, and well- I suppose young people who unexpectedly get superpowers need all the help they can get.” Rose smiled a little wryly. “I remember having some difficulties with them myself.”  _ And with embracing my role as a Seer. I wanted to be in the thick of every fight, to play in the symphony. Not conduct it from behind. But that’s going to be my role now.  _

 

“I think he is a trustworthy gentleman.” Kanaya agreed, crossing the distance between them and kissing Rose tenderly. “And as it happens, we have a rather fetching penthouse suite in New York to abscond to. Or, if you’d rather, we could spend some time in that cottage. It might be nice to have some quiet for once.” 

 

“What, tired of your high-flying life as a fashion icon, enmeshed in a torrid romance with the world’s most famous author?” Rose teased with a small grin before kissing Kanaya again. “But yes, I think a week in the cottage would be lovely. It is summer after all. They won’t be pushing me to promote the second season of  _ Complacency  _ for some time yet. And I’m well on schedule with my editors.” 

 

“Then let’s abscond.” Kanaya replied with an unforced smile.

 

Rose looked back for a moment. But only for a moment, before turning to Kanaya with a similarly unforced smile. “Let’s fly there.” 


	4. ARADIA: COMFORT DECEASING BOY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia spends much of her time among the terminally ill and otherwise dying, giving comfort to those who need it. 
> 
> Telling those who need to hear it that it's going to be okay. 
> 
> 0u0

It was sobering to realize that this world, with all of its manifest wonders, was not a paradise after all. Trolls and humans and carapacians all lived more or less in peace but there was still sickness and there was still death. Aradia didn’t fear death at all- she knew that death served a valuable purpose and that without it, life wouldn’t mean anything, even one of theoretically infinite life like hers. 

 

But it was sad when death came to people so young. And so much more desperately so when they were alone. The doctors and nurses did their best, but these children in this hospital didn’t have families to take care of them, to love them, to tuck them in and hold their hand when they were scared, or when death was near. But these children were not alone and would not have to face that alone. 

 

Every night, Aradia would fly up to the window of the hospital and with a gentle application of telekinesis, find herself inside. With her time powers, she could spend literally hours with each child before their candle guttered out. She would tell them stories, sing them songs (she’d learned that she had a pretty good singing voice) and most of all, be there for them when they needed someone the very, very most. 

 

“What happens afterwards?” A small voice spoke, looking up at Aradia as if she were an angel. “When I die?” 

 

“You’ll go into the dream bubbles with all the other people who have passed on and you’ll meet so many new friends. And when you’re in the dream bubbles, nothing will hurt ever again. And time doesn’t mean anything there, not really, so one day you’ll see everyone you ever loved again! And it might be a long time for them here on Earth, but it won’t feel like that for you. You just are.” 

 

The boy nodded and once again, Aradia was amazed at how trusting he was of her. But he was terribly young. If he were a troll, he wouldn’t even be a pupa. As a human, he’d be only a few years into being schoolfed- or educated, as the humans called it. He looked deep into thought, no doubt thinking things that nobody as young as him should ever consider. 

 

“Will you stay with me? Until it happens?” His voice was weak, his body starting to fail him.

 

Aradia gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Of course I’ll stay with you. We have time. You could even say I’m made of time.” The joke of course, flew over the young boy’s head. But that was okay. He squeezed her hand back. He believed her. She would not let him down. She had been there until it had happened for three young humans and a troll wriggler already. 

 

Death was okay. Death was natural and in some ways even good. But everybody in the world, human, troll or carapacian deserved to have someone who cared for them there in their final moments. The last thing that this boy would see before he awoke in the dream bubbles would be her smiling face. And maybe one day in her own dreams- for she always, always dreamed lucidly now, she would meet him again and they’d get to play soccer and run around in a field in some happy memory. 

 

Or maybe they’d just play video games. That was okay too. 

 

He squeezed her hand again, but it was weaker, even in the time bubble they were currently in. Even with every second stretching into minutes, his body was shutting down. It would not be long now.

 

But he wouldn’t be alone. 

 

Aradia wished that she could be with everyone who needed someone, that nobody ever had to die alone ever again. But that wasn’t possible, even for her. 

 

But she could be here for this one boy. 

 

“I’m scared, Aradia.” His voice came down as a tiny whisper. 

 

“It’s going to be okay.” She bent down and kissed his forehead softly, careful not to bump her ram horns against him. “I promise. It’s going to be okay.” 

 

The moment came. The boy breathed his last. Aradia gently reached out to close his eyes before ringing the bell and absconding into the night. 


	5. DAVE: COLLABORATE WITH GIRLFRIEND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade Harley's just really awesome at bass and Dave keeps using her in his songs. Also they're totally in love with each other, guys.

_ Aw yeah.  _

 

Nobody could lay down a groove like Jade Harley. Nobody could beat her at a groove-off. She was simply the best there was. And with that killer live bass goove, over top some piano samples from his pal Egbert and a strangely beautiful vocal hook courtesy of his timebro A-Meg, Dave found it pretty effortless to start the flow, letting all manner of weird and wonderful rhymes just flow, rhymes of life, love and pain. And while he rapped, his hands worked the timetables, altering the flow of time, subtly slowing and speeding the samples before him as well as his own cadence. 

 

_ Man, fuck Eminem. I am the motherfucking rap god.  _

 

It felt good to let the music flow, let the rhymes out. Dave had found out that it was the easiest and best way to express his true feelings. To an outsider, his raps were about fantastical and bizarre happenings, full of references to dream bubbles and alternate timelines, to epic battles against immortal, invincible demons- but to Dave they were like therapy that actually worked. The even more awesome part about it was that Dave wasn’t alone when he was creating. Most of his friends played some sort of instrument and he eagerly used all of their talents. 

 

But it always came back to Jade Harley and those incredible basslines. No matter what the song needed, she could deliver- and even when she was playing some really simple, basic shit, there was just something about the  _ way  _ she played that line that was utterly irreplaceable. Les Claypool didn’t have  _ shit  _ on Jade Harley and neither did Flea or that nerdy dude from Rush.

 

Her basslines were so far off the hook that they wrapped around the entire planet before coming back to the hook, taking over the hook and becoming the hook. It was an impressive act of hookception, all told. 

 

Sometimes he had to stop recording his rapping just so he could listen to her play. And watch too. 

 

God, Dave loved to watch Jade play. She was totally without self-consciousness and just so incredibly, utterly  _ her.  _

 

Jade Harley didn’t need to front shit. She was just Jade. Which was awesome. 

 

She looked up at him with a big smile. “That was fun! I hope that was what you were looking for.” From anyone else of even remotely her level of talent, that line would’ve been a sickeningly sweet bit of false modesty that would make Dave want to grind his teeth into sand. He hated when people pretended to be humble when they really thought they were hotter shit than a heap of camel dung in the middle of an atomic bomb test in the Sahara desert. But Jade really meant it. 

 

“Shit, that was the best one yet.” Dave actually smiled at her- and really, Jade was about the only person who consistently got facial expressions other than studied indifference and mild annoyance. He swooped into the room where she had been recording and kissed her right then and there. And if Sollux up in the control room had a problem with a little PDA between two people that loved each other, he could basically just shove it up his nook. 

 

Dave Strider was gonna kiss his girlfriend and he was gonna kiss her  _ good.  _

 

Jade laughed when they finally parted and wrapped her arms around his neck, her weird but strangely awesome little doggy ears twitching happily as the most beautiful set of green eyes in the world looked back at him, with a huge toothy grin just beneath it. 

 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure every band in the world just fired their bassist. They’re gonna be pretty disappointed when I tell them that you’re busy being the world’s most incredible scientist too. Shit, I can smell their tears or whatever already. Been taking some lessons from Pyrope. Definitely smelling some watery emissions from the collective eyes of hundreds of bands.” 

 

“Daaave!” Jade gently flicked his arm. “Don’t be silly! I’m not that great a bass player, really! I just do it for fun!” 

 

“Hey, you know what else is fun? Taking my best girl out for dinner. Where you wanna go, Harley? I mean, shit, you can literally take us anywhere instantly, so I don’t know why I even act like I’m gonna take you anywhere.” Dave smirked faintly. 

 

Jade bit her lip for a second as if she was gonna ask something outrageous, but really, it just made her look even more adorable and sexy than she did anyway. She grinned brightly. “Barbecue? Let’s get barbecue. That’s okay, right?” 

 

“Jade.” Dave raised his eyebrows behind his glasses. “You just seriously asked a Texas boy if barbecue is okay.” 

 

Jade stuck out her tongue at him and blew him a raspberry briefly but then leaned in to kiss him as if by apology. “I figured you’d be okay with it! Besides, I’m feeling carnivorous today. I guess I just really need some meat!” 

 

“There are so many ways I could make that insanely dirty, Harley. I don’t even know how to start listing them.” 

 

“Don’t tell me until you figure out the VERY BEST one.” Jade grinned a little naughtily.

 

“Roger that, Harley. Not telling until I give you the very raunchiest possible way to extend what you just said.” Dave’s smirk broadened slightly. 

 

_ Love. It’s pretty awesome, yo.  _


	6. VRISKA: 8E 8ADASS 8ITCH!!!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska and her unwilling cohost "Joke" or "Jape" (something like that) lead a poor guy through another episode of her hit series ADVANCE OR A8SCOND! The most EXTREME show on EXTREME TV.

“Next on EXTREME TV, everyone’s favorite EXTREME host, Vriska Serket, presents the most EXTREME program on TV, ADVANCE OR A8SCOND!” 

 

Damn right,  _ Advance or A8scond  _ was the most extreme program on TV. For the promise of ten boonbucks, people had to go through a colossal gamut of challenges, ranking from the relatively simple to the incredibly painful and difficult. Right now, Vriska had an especially promising human on the air with her, who had intrepidly managed to clear eight of the ten challenges, the last of which had involved walking over a tightrope over a pit filled with hungry-looking alligators.

 

Sure, Mike had crawled over that tightrope but he’d made it. Vriska liked the guy’s moxie. But there was a ninth and a tenth challenge for him to undertake to get those sweet, sweet boonbucks. 

 

“How do you feel, Mike?? You’ve done pretty well. And if you abscond right now, you’ll get one boonbuck! Pretty good money!” Vriska peered at him for a moment, sizing him up. He looked pretty shaken by the stunt with the alligators, but she could tell there was a little fight in him. He stood up as straight as possible, trying to look brave. “But if you can complete the ninth challenge, that amount of money goes up to TWO boonbucks! Wow, that’s a lot of money. That’d schoolfeed a couple of human wrigglers, wouldn’t it, Joke?” 

 

“Uh, my name is Jake …” Joke stammered, but Vriska waved him off. His entire purpose after all was to look bumblingly pathetic and make the actual contestants feel better. After all, an episode of  _ Advance or A8scond  _ wasn’t very good unless contestants made it to at least the fifth challenge. Then big money was on the line and things went from mildly embarrassing or difficult to outright dangerous. By comparison to Jake, even pretty pathetic wrigglers usually felt like they had some fight in them. 

 

_ Page of Hope, my butt. Jape is a total joke. How the fuck did he ever godtier, anyway?  _

 

“Well, I gotta admit, the alligators were pretty intense, but you know, I did basic training with the Marine Corps and I just really thought about what I learned from them. Alligators are kinda scary, but you know what, so are Iraqi insurgents, you know?”  Yeah, Mike was a pretty good find. Former Marine Corps. Tough guy. He downed the scorpion like it was candy and handled the poison like a goddamn champ. “I’m gonna advance, Vriska.” 

 

“Aw man, that’s awesome to hear! We haven’t had a ninth rounder in four months! And yeah, awesome to hear about your service! Like, you actually put it on the line for your country, unlike Joke over here. I bet Joke would piss himself if he ever saw an ‘Iraqi insurgent’. Sounds intense! But yeah! Challenge Number Nine!” 

 

Vriska grinned and gestured Mike over to a table on which a small gullotine was set up. 

 

“Okay! It’s the ninth challenge for a whole boonbuck! One million boondollars! That’s a lot of money! So this is the deal! You have to chop off one joint of one finger. Any finger. When you’re done, you can stick it in the cauterizer and the bleeding’ll be taken care of instantly! Think you’re up to it, Mike? Think you can advance? Or do you want to abscond?” 

 

Mike looked over at the little finger gullotine on the table. “This is fucked up.” He looked at her. “You’re fucked up, Serket.”

 

“Tell me about it!” Vriska grinned. “So! Are you going to advance, or abscond?” 

 

“Uh, a cybernetic replacement for a finger is like ten thousand boondollars …” Joke murmured. 

 

“Fuck it. I got this far.” Mike thrust his finger into the guillotine and barely flinched when the razor sharp blade cut off his finger at the top joint. Immediately, the cauterizer cleaned the wound to stop it from bleeding. 

 

“Oh my god!” Vriska grinned. “That’s so fucking hardcore! You cut off your own finger, man! Holy SHIT. Hey, Joke! Show him the BONUS PRIZE!” 

 

“Yeah!” Jape ran out to bring the prize. “Uh, the prize is a new finger. Or a receipt to go to a tissue farm to get a new finger grown for you. Takes a few weeks, but the results are pretty great! And you get it for free!” 

 

Vriska grinned. “So, Mike, you’re only out a finger for a short bit! So … one million boondollars. One boonbuck! Ready for the final challenge? Are you going to advance or abscond?” 

 

Mike steeled himself for a moment. “My wife … I want her to live an incredible life and never have to worry about money at all. Fuck it all. I’ll at least see what you have in mind, you sick bitch.” He glared at her with a hatred that was almost sexy. Actually, he wasn’t bad looking for a human. If you squinted just right, and imagined him in glasses, he even looked a little like John. 

 

“Jape! Get the phone!” Vriska grinned and Jape (or was it Joke?) put the phone down on the table, next to the bloodstains from his severed finger. 

 

“What the … a phone? That’s it?” Mike looked at her, incredulously. 

 

“Yeah! Just that! A phone! But if you want ten boonbucks, you need to give up something you really love in your life! Like, a real sacrifice. One you can’t just grow back. If you want the money, you’re gonna have to call your wife and ask for a divorce! And of course, sign legal waivers making you go through with it! But if you divorce her ass, you get TEN BOONBUCKS.” 

 

“.. you’re joking. You’re fucking joking.” Mike’s eyes opened wide. “You sick fuck.” 

 

“ADVANCE OR ABSCOND?” Vriska replied with a grin. “What’s it going to be!” She then turned towards the camera. 

 

“Find out what Mike says after these messages!” 


	7. SOLLUX: BEE UNLUCKY IIN LOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux decides that he's finally going to make his flushed feelings for Aradia known.

Your name is Sollux Captor and you are pretty sure you’re basically a worthless sack of shit. At least Bud, your seeing-eye barkbeast, who you named after a shitty movie that one of the humans described to you, seems to like you pretty well. And for a somewhat smelly furred creature, you like him plenty too. Barkbeasts are loyal and that’s nice. They’re pretty good friends. 

 

You’d be willing to say that Bud was your second-best pal, even. 

 

But Aradia isn’t just a pal to you, she’s been there since before the beginning of all the horrible shitty things that have happened and she’s been there for you ever since, in the bubbles, at the endgame against Lord English and now. She’s basically been the most amazing person and you’re kind of at a loss about how to thank her for it. Or how to talk about the fact that your feelings for her go deeper than friendship and, really, than the pale quadrant either. 

 

You’ve put a lot of work into cleaning the hive and making things just so, a task made far more difficult by the fact that you are totally blind. But Kanaya was kind enough to think of some nice coordinating colours. You told her that it was for Aradia’s wriggling day, which to be fair, isn’t all that far away. Bud helped too. He’s a pretty damn smart dog, even considering the highly illegal intelligence augmentation he’s been through and the reckless feeding of tiny bits of mind honey. Okay, he’s pretty much as smart as at least a human. 

 

But the point is that you have crippling self-doubt about what you can actually offer someone as incredible as Aradia, but you’ve decided that if she’ll have you, you can offer her you. All of it. 

 

“Oh my goodness, Sollux! This hive! You … you must’ve spent all day cleaning it!” Aradia bursts in just as you’re trying to psych yourself up to tell her how you feel about her. “Oh, it looks wonderful and is that- is that Earth food?” She looks at you for a moment. “... you cooked?” You’re not sure if she’s proud or worried. 

 

“No. But I thought I’d make sure the … what’d they call it, lasagna, remained nice and hot and stuff. So Bud helped me put it in the oven to keep warm.” 

 

“Oh! That’s wonderful!” You can tell she’s relieved that you didn’t try cooking. You decide not to linger on that and instead, start playing the vaguely romantic music you picked out. You offer her your arm. 

 

“Allow me to escort you to your rump pad.” She slips her arm into yours, grinning at you and you hope that means she’s cottoning onto the notion of being matesprits and enjoying the thought. You can only hope. Even if you’re convinced you’re worthless shit half the time. 

 

She giggles and that sound is something you just want to loop endlessly, way more than any of that weird Earth rap music that Dave makes you record. Well, he doesn’t make you- he pays you really well, for what money is worth to you, you’re the proud possessor of a colossal fortune, just like all the other kids and trolls who played Sburb. But it’s a fun technical challenge, trying to make everything sound as smooth and flawless as possible while still capturing the unique little imperfections and cadences that Strider valued so much. 

 

But fuck that, you just want to hear Aradia laugh and giggle and, well, a lower part of you wouldn’t mind hearing her sigh or coo either. But you’re trying not to go there right now, because this isn’t about that. Your hand fidgets in your pocket for the symbol of Earth affection that you’ve read about. It’s kind of unconventional, but you two have been living together and such close friends for so long. 

 

Aradia turns towards you for a moment and her expression’s changed. “Sollux?” 

 

_ Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. I’m a worthless fuck. I laid it on too strong. Fuck me. I hate myself. Fuck. Fuck.  _

 

But there was nothing to do but, as Serket would put it, advance. It was too late to abscond. 

 

“AA.” You clear your speech tube slightly. “Aradia. I, uh, I know it’s not always easy being with me and I really appreciate all you’ve done with me. I mean, being here for me, helping take care of me. I mean, you’ve lived here with me. And I dunno, I don’t have a lot that I can thank you with-” 

 

“Sollux.” Aradia almost whispers, putting her hand on his. “You don’t owe me anything. You never have.” She smiles. “I like being your friend and helping you out with Bud!” Bud obediently trundles over to Aradia at that moment and she lovingly pets and nuzzles your dog. “Yes, I do! We’re a team, all three of us! Almost like a family!” 

 

“Well, um, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Aradia looks up at you again. You take a deep breath and pull out the ring. “I know it’s a bit weird and dumb, but I guess, what I’m trying to say, Aradia is that if you would … like to, we could be matesprits. And even, you know, get human-married. I mean, we’re almost like that already, right?” 

 

Aradia’s eyes widen and you see her frown for almost the first time. “... Sollux.” She looks at your ring and you realize that she’s hesitating about what to do. She looks back at you and you can see fucking tears forming at the edge of her eyes. “I can’t, Sollux. I’m so sorry. But I can’t. I just …”

 

“No, I get it, like, what the fuck was I thinking-” You try to pull away but a strong hand on yours keeps you there. 

 

“Sollux. I want you to listen, please. I  _ do  _ love you. But it wouldn’t be fair to you. I … I don’t think I like anyone like that. At all. The only times I’ve ever even slightly thought about, like, pailing and stuff, is in a caliginous way and not often. And … I don’t think you’re talking about kismesis.” She looks at you for a long moment. “I could never hate you, Sollux. I’m sorry. I actually, I actually kind of wish I could. But I can’t.” 

 

You fight off the urge to throw it in her face, to say something ugly and nasty but then again, part of you is terrified that if you do that, you’ll somehow never see her again. That she’ll die again. And this time for good. “No. I’m sorry. I … I can leave if you want. I mean, I can get another hive somewhere-” 

 

“Only if you think you need to.” Aradia replies softly. “I mean, I understand if you need to. But I’d miss you so much.” And of course, the damn dog would have to put his hand on her lap and look at you with those big dark eyes. “I really, really do love you. I promise. But I … I can’t be your matesprit. I just don’t feel that way at all, I don’t think?” 

 

You sense that she’s a little ashamed to admit that. “Hey, AA, there’s nothing wrong with that. I bet the humans have words for stuff like that.” 

 

“Yeah, it’s called asexual. Or ace. Which I like better because it doesn’t sound like a disease!” Aradia smiles slightly, even though the whole thing is clearly a little heavy for her to bring up. 

 

You’re not sure if it’s a good idea, but you decide to hug her. You’re pretty relieved when she hugs you back. 


	8. KARKAT: HOST POPULAR GRUBTOP PROGRAM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat Vantas is the host of a popular TV show named after himself. Kanaya Maryam is a frequent and beloved guest. 
> 
> Also apparently Jade cured AIDS? Go Jade!

“WELCOME TO THE FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLETROLLS. IF YOU’RE SMART ENOUGH TO BE WATCHING, WE’VE GOT A HELL OF A SHOW FOR YOU. FIRST, WE’RE GONNA BE GIVING SOME DUMB WRIGGLERS MAKEOVERS WITH MY MOIRAIL KANAYA WHO IS THE FUCKING BEST AND IF YOU DISS HER I WILL CUT YOU. THEN, ON THE POPULAR SEGMENT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, WE’RE GONNA HAVE FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA AND ASK HIM WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. SHOULD BE PRETTY ENLIGHTENING. DAMN WELL BETTER BE. HE COST FUCKING ENOUGH TO BOOK. AND THEN WE’RE HAVING A PERFORMANCE BY GHOST BECAUSE IF THERE CAN BE SHITTY CLOWN RAPPERS WHY CAN’T THERE BE SHITTY POPE METAL?

 

IN CASE YOU’RE AN IDIOT WHO CAN’T CRAWL OUT OF THE FIGURATIVE LOAD GAPER OF THEIR THINK PAN, I’M YOUR FUCKING HOST, KARKAT VANTAS. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT YOU DAMN HUMAN BABIES, TROLL WRIGGLERS AND WEIRD LITTLE CHESS PEOPLE. APPLAUD FOR ME. YOUR FUCKING GOD DEMANDS IT.”

 

Karkat loved the bombastic opening of his show. But the truth was that there was a lot of really good work being done here. Firstly, the makeovers weren’t about changing people on the inside, but about getting them to see their inner worth by showing them how good they could look if they gave a damn about themselves. Also, a lot of them didn’t have a ton of boondollars and they’d leave with full wardrobes provided by Kanaya’s clothing label.

 

Karkat always just got the same black shirt and grey jeans, but by God, they were the best fucking black shirt and grey jeans he’d ever had. Kanaya knew her stuff.

 

And it was a hell of a coup getting the former President on the show to help explain what the hell HAD happened. A lot of shit had happened when he was President and afterwards and the people had a right to know, at least, what their tiny think pans could actually process. But Mr. Obama seemed to be a pretty good communicator. And Karkat would keep him candid and on-task. The Karkat Vantas show wasn’t about scoring fucking talking points. That interview was going to be real shit and Karkat didn’t lob anyone softballs.

 

As for the band tonight, well, Aradia had asked him to put them on as a bit of a favor to her. Apparently she absolutely loved that shitty combination of godawful Earth metal and slightly more tolerable Earth pop. To hear her talk, one would think they were the best thing since fucking Queen. Karkat begged to differ on that. Freddie Mercury was fucking awesome. Maybe best human. It was really shitty that had had to die of AIDS before it got cured by Jade three months ago.

 

Which was pretty awesome. Jade was pretty awesome. Terezi liked to tease him about Jade, insinuating that he maybe still had a bit of a crush on her.

 

That was bullshit. His mild, unutterable crush was on _Dave._ But nobody would ever fucking know that. Besides, he pitied and human-loved Terezi and they made a damn good couple. Besides, they were continually hanging out with Dave and Jade. Which was something that Karkat would’ve dreaded once upon a time, but now, they were his best friends. Except Kanaya, his moirail, who was definitely best troll. If anyone heaped disrespect on her or her makeover efforts, he was going to have to get positively ancient on people’s seating pads.

 

Speaking of which, she was coming on and- okay, look, Karkat’s feelings for Kanaya were entirely pale, but she looked _stunning. Yeah, Rose had better realize what a lucky wriggler she is. Kanaya’s the fucking best._ Karkat’s typical scowl disintegrated into something that actually approximated a smile as she walked up.

 

“HEY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE SHE IS. THE FUCKING TROLL EINSTEIN OF FASHION AND MY VERY OWN MOIRAIL. KANAYA MARYAM, EVERYONE!” Karkat wheeled towards the studio audience. They’d better damn well cheer their heads off. Kanaya deserved no less than rapturous applause. Thankfully, everyone fucking loved her and they gave it to her.

 

“HEY KANAYA, ARE YOU READY TO DO SOME MAKEOVERS?” Karkat shouted at her excitedly. Shit, he was ready to see her do some makeovers. Nobody could beat Kanaya at a makeover-off. She was simply the best there was. Her makeovers were off the hook.

 

“Why yes, yes I am.” Kanaya smiled gracefully at the audience. “But first- formalities aside, Karkat.” And the next thing you knew, you were getting a big hug from the best of trolls and you didn’t really care if anyone saw you smile. “Thank you for allowing me to be on your show again.”

 

“ANY DAY, KANAYA. ANY FUCKING DAY.”

 

<>


	9. TEREZI: 3NG4G3 1N SC4ND4LOUS POLYP4L3 R3L4T1ONSH1P

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi goes to hang out on the plush pile with her two moirails, Dave Strider and Aradia Megido. Aradia's got quite a bit to get off her rumblespheres and valve, so it works well. 
> 
> This is pretty much paleporn, right? I feel this is pornographic in the pale fashion. 
> 
> You might want to skip if you don't like paleporn.

It felt so incredibly fucking decadent to be lying on the plush pile with not just one, but two people, one of them a troll and the other a ridiculous human coolkid. It broke every cultural rule that your species has ever had- quadrants could be flipped about, abandoned, etc, but to engage in a quadrant with more than one person at the same time? It was rank blasphemy. The sort of thing that Imperial Drones might kill you over.

 

But you don’t care. You’re Terezi Pyrope and you’re hanging out on the plushpile with your two moirails like a fucking boss. Right now, your fingers are tangled up in Aradia’s hugely lush hair while she lies between you and Dave, sharing a pair of earphones with the human component in this highly obscene but oh-so-wonderful pale sandwich you’ve composed. You lean in and catch a faint sniff of Aradia’s delicious appley-cinnamon self. _Delicious._ You get to hang out with a delicious cherry pie human and a tasty apple pie troll.

 

Life was fucking awesome.

 

But with so much untrammelled joy, there came responsibilities and as it turned out, Aradia had a lot to share on the feelings pile. As you’ve feared for some time, Sollux came out with flushed intentions for Aradia. You and Dave have discussed it a lot and you’ve long wondered whether you should tell Aradia about it. But Dave seemed to think that it would do more harm than good. You know that Aradia has her weird thing where she doesn’t feel flushed affection- Dave said that the human word for that was ‘ace’.

 

In any case, it didn’t matter if it was weird or not. Terezi knew she was plenty weird too.

 

“Hey, A-Meg. Don’t feel bad about it. It sounds like you handled it better than Harley handles basslines.” Dave reassured her, leaning in to kiss her forehead, just below her hairline. “I know it goddamn sucks to know that someone has certain feelings for you that you can’t quite match.” You wonder what specifically Dave was talking about there- was it their own brief flushed interlude? Or perhaps he himself once had a flushcrush on the pretty time fairy who they were both enthusiastically snuggling right.

 

You want to investigate. But right now, Aradia needed snuggles and sympathy. You nuzzle in at the crook of her neck and Aradia let out a soft, relaxed coo. _That’s right. I’ll soften her up while you get her to let those feelings flow, Strider._ Your arm wraps itself lazily around Aradia, snuggling in closer. Megido felt nice and warm as she always did, particularly through the thin, soft fabric of her godtier outfit.

 

“I guess.” Aradia finally spoke, snuggling back into you until the two of you are literally spooning, and quite perfectly at that. “And I’m not … embarrassed about how I am. I just wish I could make him happy. I want to make everyone happy, I guess! Especially my friends. I love them all.”

 

“You are giving as fuck, A-Meg.” Dave countered softly. “Sollux’ll be fine and maybe he’ll meet a nice troll or human who’ll be more than happy to swap pails with him.”

 

“Eww!” You interject. “That is not how it works!”

 

“You’re right.” Dave agreed. “Troll sex is way grosser than that. No wonder you want nothing to do with it, A-Meg.”

 

Aradia laughed softly. “I mean, maybe one day I’ll find a kismesis or something. Once upon a time, I thought that maybe Equius would be that for me- but ew. Kissing him was a terrible, terrible mistake.”

 

“Shit, even Snoop drops a few shitty rhymes, A-Meg.” Dave leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I mean, if you want to find someone to hate for always and forever and hatemarry them and have hategrubs with them, we’ll be with you, all the fucking way. Just like we are now.”

 

Aradia smiled softly and turns slightly to face you. Your hands gently go to her face and study their lines and contours. You lean in and plant a sweet little kiss just on the corner of her lips.

 

“Dave’s right. Sollux will be fine. And you two have something special, even if it’s weird and doesn’t fit any quadrants at all! It doesn’t have to!” You laugh and gently bonk your head against Aradia’s, wary of her much larger horns. She gently bonks her head against yours in return and smiles slightly. Dave sidles up behind her and softly kisses her cheek.

 

“Thanks. It means a lot to me.” One of her hands reaches out for yours, and the other for Dave’s. “That you’re here- both of you, like this, for me. Thank you so much.”


	10. DIRK: BE PESTERED BY A DOG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk Strider gets pestered by Sollux's dog.

*aurelianRedeemer has started pestering timaeusTestified*

AR: hi! 

TT: If you'll forgive my rudeness, who am I talking to and why didn't you go to the auto-responder?

AR: im a dog! and my troll is pretty good at computer stuff and i learned some computer tricks from him!

TT: Oh, cool. You're Sollux's dog. Okay, my curiosity is sufficiently piqued that I can spare a little time. What's up, Bud? 

AR: im kind of worried about sollux, dirk! hes pretty sad since he and aradia had the conversation about their relationship! i dont think aradia likes people that way, though! i wonder if she got fixed like me?

TT: Nah, she's something called ace. At least towards flushed romance. I guess outwardly it probably seems a lot the same. Like, you're pretty affectionate but you don't have feelings of sexual attraction. 

AR: okay! but anyway, sollux is really sad and lonely!

TT: That legitimately sucks. I am kind of wondering why you're pestering me, specifically. Not that I mind. The sheer novelty of talking to a dog via text is more than enough to fuel me for a good little while. 

AR: what's that yellowy stuff with the foam that looks like pee but isnt pee because drinking pee would be gross?

TT: I think you mean beer. 

AR:  yeah! beer! i mean, sollux is a friend of yours, right! like maybe you could take him out for a beer or something and maybe you could talk and hed be happier because sometimes i think humans and trolls need interactions with other two-legged creatures that arent like the friendship between a person (trolls are people too) and dogs! 

TT: Sure. You know if Sollux is available tonight? It's cheap pitcher night at O'Neills Irish pub. I could probably use to take a break from my plans too. 

AR: yeah, i think so! 

TT: Good. It was nice talking to you, Bud. You're a pretty good boy. 

AR: aw thanks, dirk! thats what i really want to be! a good boy! so that means a lot to me!

TT: I'll probably talk to you soon. I gotta finish up here before I talk to Sollux for that beer. 

*timaeusTestified has stopped pestering aurelianRedeemer*

 

Dirk logged off of Pesterchum and looked around the workshop, where he was busily engaged in designing robots for the electronics division of CrockerCorp, Jane's colossal industrial conglomerate. Most of them were perfectly harmless robots that would be mostly engaged in doing housework for disabled people or industrial robots that would do a variety of dangerous jobs that it wasn't safe to put people in- but there was no denying that some of them were some pretty advanced military models. Privately, Dirk wondered what Jane actually wanted with military-grade robots. There was no questioning that Jane knew some things that she was pretty hesitant to share with the others. Then again, maybe it was just prudent to ensure peace by preparing for war. 

His mind went back to Sollux. He'd actually tried to gently dissuade the troll from trying to change their relationship. Dirk couldn't really pretend that he was the greatest Prince of Heart, but he knew well enough that Aradia didn't love him quite that way. Maybe the knowledge would give them some nice certainty to move on, but Dirk kind of wondered if they'd drift apart instead, at least a little. It was hard to live with someone who broke up with you. Dirk's mind went back briefly to Jake.  _I broke up with him, of course, but that doesn't mean I don't have some regrets about how it went down._

Besides, the poor guy was basically Vriska's professional bitch. Nobody deserved that. Jake had his flaws but he deserved better than that. 

Dirk actually had the inklings of a plan to knock Vriska down a peg or two, but he wasn't ready to unveil it yet. Firstly, he wanted to be really certain that a fairly drastic action like that would be in order. Secondly, he wanted to make sure that the individual who he planned to use for the purpose wouldn't be overly harmed by it. And thirdly, he was a little wary of the Thief of Light. She was a gigantic, arrogant bitch, but she was also a cunning operator. She'd see a poorly formulated plan coming a mile away. Dirk would need all of his cunning to bring his grand plan to help Jake break free of her hold. 

But first, there was a troll that was a bit down on his luck that could use a beer. 

*timaeusTestified has started trolling twinArmageddons*

TT: Hey, dude. Wanna grab a beer? Pitcher night at O'Neills. Maybe eight o' clock? 

 

The thought that Sollux was actually a pretty attractive guy flitted through his head briefly.  _Not the priority, dude. Friend in need, not a hookup._

TA: sure, i guess that'd be c00l


	11. MEENAH: BE TRUE TO YOUR NAME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, remember that ghost army? And Meenah? 
> 
> Remember that?

*arachnidsGrip has started trolling ghastlyTyrant* 

AG: I see you’ve got a new handle! Pretty on the nose, don’t you think? 

GT: I get to use whatever fuckin handle i want, i'm the empress, her imperial fuckin condescension

AG: yeah yeah, missed you too, meenah <3

GT: Are we reely going to get into a bunch of sentimental carp fishka?

GT: Pretty shore i chose you because you were the unsentimental vriska

GT: If i wanted all feelings jam all the time vriska i would’ve stayed in the dark carnival or wherever the fuck i was with the other vriska

AG: Damn, you’re cold! 

GT: But i mean yeah i did kinda miss you <3

AG: Knew it! 8ut 8ack to the 8usiness at hand! I mean, firstly, I have unlimited access to a powerful transmitter so I can talk to you properly! And give you information about what’s going on!

GT: Does anyone suspect anything? 

AG: Hell no!!!!!!!!!

GT: The eight exclamation marks don't make me feel better, Vriska. 

GT: Damn, exclamation has clam in it. 

GT: Go me!

AG: 8ut seriously no8ody thinks that I’m helping a ghost army cross over to attack the world of the living and take it over and install my m8spr8 as the sovereign empress of the living and the dead. 

GT: We shell sea. 

GT: Two in one. I’m riding the wave, Vriska!

AG: I wish I could hear all your awesome puns in person. 

GT: You will, soon enough. The world’s fuckin’ mine. And then? All the worlds! 

GT: I’m bored right now, though. Wanna RP? <3

AG: Yeah sure. <3

 

You engage in quite a lengthy and sexually charged roleplaying scenario with your favorite subject. When you become the Empress of the Living and the Dead, Sovereign Ruler of all Worlds, you’ll have to give Vriska an appropriately badass title for being your top subject. Maybe she can be Queen of the Living or something. Or maybe just the Imperial Bitch. You mean it with love, or at least the closest thing to it that your cruel, cruel heart will permit you to feel. 

 

The ghost army that destroyed Lord English didn’t just stop existing. Instead, it only grew, reinforced by the glory brought to you by your triumph over the hated demon of time. And there’s more than just kickass troll ghosts in your army now. You’ve managed to enslave many of the horrorterrors into your service. As the conqueror of Lord English, they owe you their existence and, the smarter among them, have bowed down to your rule. 

 

You think that they’re kind of fond of you too, because you used to have one for a lusus. 

 

You stretch out on the colossal throne you have made with the melted-down strife specibi of rivals and enemies who have bowed to your immensely superior power and intellect. You feel very confident that nobody has ever thought of the notion of a throne made from the melted down and reforged weapons of their enemies before. You like to call it the Steel Throne. You’re quite certain that is not skirting dangerously close to the copyrighted intellectual property of some human author and a premium cable channel. 

 

In any case, if they objected, you’d kill them. Maybe their skulls could decorate your Imperial castle or something. That’d be pretty badass, you think. 

 

_ Soon. Soon, I will return and everyone will bow before me. As is my fuckin’ right. Imperial blood be flowin’ in my veins. I’m gonna find a way to cross over to the world of the living and then, bam, I’m gonna take over. And live again.  _

 

_ I am really, really fuckin’ tired of being dead. Being dead forever blows spouts. I want to live forever like the goddess I am, ruling over every stupid human, troll and whatever else is out there.  _

 

_ Ruling all of existence might be pretty fun. And if it got boring?  _

 

_ Maybe I’d just destroy it. Heh. _

 

Meenah decided that now was a good time to get up off her throne and go to the balcony of her castle and look at the vast sea of ghosts gathered before her, interspersed every so often with the gargantuan inky form of a horrorterror. In the front few ranks were the Godtier Guard, an elite handpicked group of particularly aggressive dead troll ghosts, all of whom were fully leveled god-tiers. She knew there were plenty of powerful god-tier heroes that might potentially try and stop her, but she’d have numbers on her side.

 

And something else, that her army had that her enemies wouldn’t. 

 

_ Dead trolls ain’t got fuck all to lose. When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose. They’ll fight harder than the living who always worry about what they’re leaving behind.  _

 

_ Fuck `em. Why do they get to live, anyway? What made them so fuckin’ cool and lucky that they got to be alive?  _

  
  



	12. DAVE: BE CONSOLED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is frequently plagued with nightmares on account of the PTSD. But Jade's there for him. <3
> 
> Also, the Mayor is getting married! WV/PM FOR LIFE.

Dave remembered the white-hot piercing pain of the bullets ripping through his flesh and the increasingly cold feeling just after that as his blood dribbled desperately out of a couple of dozen holes inside, far beyond the ability of anyone to save him.  _ I have to do what I need to do. But fuck, it hurts. It hurts and I just want to go home to when all I had to worry about was smuppet ass and dumbass trolls on Pesterchum.  _

 

_ I just want to live. Please. I don’t want to die. Fuck. Please.  _

 

But when Dave Strider opened his eyes, he wasn’t on Derse, waiting on Rose to get on with explaining her ridiculous suicide mission to the Green Sun. He was safe in his bed and the only fluid leaking out of him was a cold sweat. Still, he jumped a bit when he felt a hand on his shoulder, before turning around to see the most beautiful face in all of fucking creation. He wanted to bury himself in her ridiculous, amazing mane of dark hair and cry and cry until the dreams of pain and death were gone. 

 

But some ridiculous bit of pride made him hold back just a little. “Sup, Harley?” Yeah, that was the sort of nonchalance he was famed for. Good Old Dave Strider. Cool as a cucumber in the Antarctic. Cooler even. Cooler than a polar bear frozen in liquid nitrogen. So fucking cool. The coolest of all coolkids. 

 

But Jade’s got your number and you wonder how long she’s had it- if it was something she got along the way or if she always kind of did.

 

“Bad dream?” You love her for underselling it a little bit. You know that she knows what it’s like to wake up in a cold sweat, dreaming of your own death, or seeing your own dead self or watching your friends die. Sometimes more than once, sometimes again and again, in endless loops of dead Daves and dead Jades, dead Roses, dead Johns and dead trolls. And then when you woke up, the survivor’s guilt would hit and add its own special little misery spice to the stew of PTSD you’ve been making.

 

_ Fuck The Last Dab. They should put PTSD and survivor’s guilt on those fucking wings at the end of Hot Ones. Something that’ll really fuck `em over. _

 

“Hella nasty.” You agree and let yourself be drawn into a big warm hug with lots of soft warm skin against yours and a silky cascade of hair tumbling over much of the rest. You relax a little and let Jade’s fingers run softly through your hair. Thirty seconds or so, you’re feeling good enough to return the favor a bit, trailing calloused fingers over her silky, blessedly unscarred skin. You move up a bit to catch her mouth in a long, passionate kiss. 

 

Yeah, you’ll take Harley flavour over the taste of your own blood any day.

Just as you’re reaching up for the two best handfuls in paradox space though, she laughs softly and (you think a little reluctantly) pulls your hands away. “

 

“Daaave.” She laughs softly again and the sound of that laugh goes a long way towards easing the pain of rejection. “The alarm’s going to go off in like, two minutes.” Her soft smile turns into a slightly crooked grin. “I’ll take a raincheck on that for later tonight, though. But … we should be good and get ready for the wedding.” 

 

You raise your eyebrow slightly. “Wait, what? Wedding.”  _ Oh damn. Oh hopy shit.  _ “Holy shit, Jade, is it today?” Everything else gets forgotten in a damn hurry because today is a really, really fucking important and amazing day that you would never ever miss. 

 

The fucking Mayor is getting married today! The Mayor of Can Town! One of your very best pals! And it’s even cooler now because Can Town is a real place, an actual town that exists and you can visit whenever. And damn, you’re just happy for the guy. The Mayor’s pretty in love with that Parcel Mistress of his. They make a damn adorable couple. Even if PM is like, a full foot taller than the Mayor. He’s an adorable little dude.

 

Really little. He’s barely four feet high. Carapacians are pretty small. 

 

“Race you to the shower.” Jade grins and snaps her fingers and disappears instantly, because of course she wouldn’t just have a simple race. There isn’t much you can do, though, except to smile faintly and reach for your sunglasses and stride, as your surname would have you do, towards the shower. You might have lost the race, but win or lose, you still get to get wet and sudsy with Jade. 

 

And then go to an awesome wedding in awesome, actually real Can Town. 

 

Life was fucking amazing.

 

You’ve just about forgotten the traumatic dream you were having. It feels like a distant bad memory now, not something immediate and dire enough to actually wake you up. 


	13. JOHN: ATTEND CARAPACIAN CEREMONY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang is all gathering together at the site of the wedding!
> 
> Gosh, you'd hate something untoward to happen ...

Can Town was always a pretty cool place, even when it was just a silly idea in the mind of the Mayor, but now it had become a real town with thousands of people living in it and that was so much cooler. The whole thing was mostly scaled towards Carapacians, which meant that most indoor spaces tended to be pretty small for adult humans, particularly for John, who was well over six feet tal l.Fortunately, the wedding would be held outside and it was a beautiful summer day. 

 

“It’s kinda weird having the wedding be in the square.” Roxy opined, her arm in yours.  _ Gosh, she looks pretty beautiful all dressed up. Not that she doesn’t look beautiful in an old T-shirt and yoga pants either. But it’s nice to dress up sometimes.  _ You’re not the biggest fan of dressing up, preferring to wear a simple T-Shirt and jeans or shorts, or occasionally his god-tier hoodie, but he supposed it was nice once in awhile. 

 

“Well, we do kinda have to be outside, because we’re pretty big for just about anything indoors!” You have a feeling that Roxy’s slight feeling of weirdness didn’t really have to do with that. The town square, after all, was crowned with a twice-life size statue of Roxy holding a pumpkin. Which, personally, John thought was pretty awesome. And Roxy deserved to have a cool big statue in Can Town! But Roxy seemed to find it a bit embarrassing. 

 

“Yeah, I guess. Little chess people are little.” Roxy smiled slightly as she leans against your shoulder. “I bet Dave’s super excited.” 

 

“Damn right I am, Mom, I mean, Roxy.” Dave piped up in his slight Texas twang, with a radiant and ever-so-slightly flustered Jade beside him. “The Mayor’s getting married, how can we not be excited? This is the greatest wedding in the history of weddings, in the most awesome town in the history of towns.” 

 

Roxy rolled her eyes faintly but smirked. “Hold on, Strider.” She walked over to him and straightened out his somewhat sloppily done tie slightly. “There you go. Looking sharper than ever.” She gave him a bit of a wink. “Be good, kids.” 

 

“I’m not sure what I think about your flagrant abetting of poor David’s Freudian complexes.” Rose walked onto the green, dressed in a smart black and purple suit rather than a dress, leaving that to Kanaya, who wore a pretty red dress that reminded John of the one she’d worn frequently on the meteor. Or was it several? You honestly don’t know. 

 

“It’s okay.” Roxy smiled. “A little maternal TLC never hurt nobody.” She immediately turned to give Rose a hug. “Hey sister-daughter-person.” Roxy parted from the long hug for a moment to grin at Kanaya. “You keeping my Rosey out of trouble, Maryam?” The statement came with an exaggeratedly huge wink. 

 

“Oh, mostly.” Kanaya replied with a thin smile of her own. “You know how it is.” 

 

“Hello, John.” Rose turns towards you for a big hug. “I don’t get to see you often enough, Mister Egbert. I miss you, you …” She parts slightly and looks up at you. “Great big doof. Look at you.” There’s a tiny, almost undetectable wistfulness in her tone. Every once in awhile, if you squint just a little and try to read between the lines a little, you start wondering if in some other alternate universe, it’s the two of you being together. 

 

It’d be an interesting place, for sure, but you’re pretty happy where you are! Roxy’s an awesome girlfriend and you know that Rose is super happy about Kanaya. It’s not like you’d really want to change anything, ever. Just every once in a little while, you wonder just a little how things could’ve gone. You hope that’s normal and doesn’t make you an asshole. 

 

Thankfully, the moment comes and goes pretty quickly and you and Rose start snarking comfortably about movies. It’s not long either, before Roxy’s back at your arm and you grin at her broadly. Feeling that to be insufficiently, you lean in for a quicky little kiss. Nothing too crazy, because you are in company right now. But sometimes you just want her to know that you’re thinking about her and really love being around her. 

 

“I imagine it would be best for all of us to get to our respective positions.” Kanaya speaks up, and of course, she’s the practical voice of reason. You all quite quickly abscond to your appropriate places for the wedding of the century. 


	14. KARKAT: MEET OLD FRIEND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat has to help a nervous WV get his carapace butt to the wedding
> 
> And he meets an old friend again!
> 
> Yay!

You hate wearing suits, so much.  large You hate large social gatherings. You don’t hate carapace people particularly more than you hate everyone, but he did kind of hate them. But you also hate being a raging assdouche, so you’re here, wearing a suit and trying your best not to ruin Mayor’s moment. Truthfully, the Mayor was kind of a cool guy. Even if he was kind of losing his shit at the moment. _ IF THIS IS WHAT MARRIAGE LOOKS LIKE THAN FUCK NO. NOPE. MY ETERNAL REFUSAL TO GET MARRIED SHALL BE CARVED IN THE FINEST STONE ON A SHINING HILL.  _

 

You’re wondering if Terezi is expecting you to ask her to marry you, or if she’s planning to propose to you. You’re pretty steadfast about the notion of not initiating marriage proceedings, but you’re not quite so sure about the strength of your will if she brings it up. Your matesprit is terribly persuasive. In all manner of ways, delightful, terrifying and some that are some strange platonic ideal of both, magnified by the strength of your matespritship, which has always and seems to always will be shot with just a little bit of kismesis. 

 

You used to be annoyed by this, because it wasn’t very pure, but now you’re fairly convinced it keeps things from getting boring in the relationship. Maturity leads you down all sorts of weird, fucked-up roads. 

 

“HEY. MAYOR. HOW’RE YOU DOING IN THERE, MAN?” You don’t have to feign your concern. You’ve always been an asshole but you’re not a douchebag. That is a very, very important distinction that you’ve tried very hard to be on the right side of. Besides, the Mayor’s one of your friends. You can’t help but think that Dave should probably be here with the little guy. They’re like best friends. But Dave’s got a million things to do getting the music ready. Hopefully he’ll play something properly romantic and not a bunch of ironic shitty clown rap. 

 

You try not to think about how nice he looked in that suit. That line of thought is getting you nowhere good. 

 

“KARKAT WHAT IF SHE DECIDES SHE CAN DO BETTER?” The Mayor’s having a legit shitfreak right now. 

 

You might not be qualified to do a lot of things, like fight or be a friendleader or be awesome in general, but you think you can handle this. 

 

“DUDE. BREATHE. JUST LIKE, FOCUS ON THE EXCHANGE OF WASTE GASES FOR THE ONE YOU NEED TO LIVE. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DITCH YOU ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I AM NOT AN INCREDIBLE EXPERT ON YOUR MATESPRIT AND WIFE TO BE, BUT SHE SEEMS TO BE PRETTY INTO DOING THINGS THE RIGHT FUCKING WAY. ALSO, SHE DOESN’T SEEM INDECISIVE. SHE SAID YES. SHE’S STILL GOING TO SAY YES AT THE ALTAR. C’MON, COME OUT OF THE LOAD GAPER. I MEAN, UNLESS YOU’RE ACTUALLY SHITTING IN THERE OR SOMETHING. IN WHICH CASE, COME OUT WHEN YOU’RE DONE, I GUESS.”

 

There was a moment of pause. 

o

“NO. I’M JUST SITTING HERE.” About thirty seconds or so later, the Mayor emerged from the bathroom, arrayed in his finest suit, with his bright mayoral sash for decoration. “SORRY FOR HOLDING THINGS UP.” 

 

_ honk :o) _

 

“IT’S FINE. BUT WE’D PROBABLY BETTER GET A MOVE ON. THEY’RE EXPECTING US.” You pat the Mayor’s back gently. 

 

“YES.” The Mayor pulled himself up. “YES, WE HAD BEST GET A MOVE ON. I’VE GOT A SPECIAL LADY WHO’S WAITING FOR ME.” 

 

_ honk :o) _

 

You freeze, terror coiling itself into your acid tract at the worst sound in paradox space, the thing that you fear above all else. The Mayor looks at you, seemingly oblivious to the danger. You pray to every god, goddess and demon that you can think of that the danger isn’t real. That you just misheard a bum note from one of the musicians or something. Maybe Dave is messing with you. The jerkass. The handsome, handsome fuckass. 

 

“hey best friend.” A familiar, terrifying voice speaks from behind you and a massive hand comes down on your shoulder and the Mayor’s shoulder. “WOULDN’T WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE MAYOR’S MOTHERFUCKING WEDDING, WOULD WE?” Gamzee’s grasp isn’t so much hard as it is just ridiculously heavy. But you know that he’s immensely strong and faster than you’d think.

 

“GAMZEE. LET US GO. LET US GO AND YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU CAME FROM.” The grasp tightens a little. Gamzee didn’t like that. He leans down. And there’s quite a bit of down. You’re pretty short and the Mayor’s over a foot shorter than that. And you’re pegging Gamzee for just barely on the sunny side of seven feet tall. He’s already stooping like mad to even be in here. 

 

“you hurt my motherfucking feelings, best friend.” Gamzee’s breath is hot in your ear and it reeks like death. “DON’T WORRY, THOUGH. I SWEAR ON MY FUCKING MASTER’S HONOUR THAT I’M NOT KILLING YOU TONIGHT. IN FACT, I’M JUST GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE SQUARE.” 

 

_ honk :o) _

  
  



	15. JADE: ENGAGE IN ??? X SHOWDOWN COMBO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade has to make a split second decision as Gamzee approaches with Karkat and the Mayor!
> 
> Will she choose wisely?

You’re a little concerned about how late Karkat and the Mayor are being. It’s not really in either of their natures to be late for things, and everyone else has been gathered for some time! Everything looks lovely, and you know that Rose and Kanaya are with the lovely bride, who is probably getting nervous too. Though you’re not sure about that. For a mail lady, the former Parcel Mistress is a pretty fearless lady. 

 

But being concerned is silly. Karkat’s probably just making sure that the Mayor’s tie is straight or maybe giving him a last minute pep talk. Karkat can sure be mean sometimes, but he can also be a really good friend. You’ve kind of gone 180 with him, from despising him in an almost caliginous way to thinking of him as one of your best friends. They’ll be fine. The days of living in constant fear of what horrible thing might happen next are over.

 

They’re just bad dreams, and as bad as those dreams are, you’ll take them over the whole of your life being that way! It’s nice being able to wake up and see Dave, or roll over and check your phone and see a message from Rose or John or one of the trolls. And then you can go and make the world an even better place with the power of science. Like that one weekend where you ended the AIDS pandemic. Or solving the global energy crisis. Right now, you’re working on an appropriately inexpensive and portable means of ensuring that the whole world gets clean water. 

 

Apparently there’s an alternate universe where the entire universe is nothing but sterile, pure water! Once you get an appearifier honed properly to that alternate universe, everyone will be able to get all the pure water they need! It sure is good that you already invented market-ready appearifiers. They also make travel a lot easier, even if it might’ve destroyed the entire global transportation industry. 

 

But in the brave new world of post-scarcity economics, which you hope to inaugurate, it won’t matter! It’ll be like Star Trek! 

 

There’s suddenly some commotion outside and you turn to see Karkat and the Mayor, walking with terrified looks on their faces, with the biggest troll you’ve ever seen looming over them.  _ Gamzee.  _ Everyone tenses up and there’s several strife specibi out and ready for combat. You’d consider getting out one of your many guns, but the fact is that using something like a weapon is pretty silly in comparison to your vast godmode powers. 

 

“MUCH AS I’D LIKE A GOOD MOTHERFUCKING FIGHT, I’M JUST HERE TO DELIVER A LITTLE MESSAGE.” Gamzee’s voice boomed through the air. His scarred face spread into a fanged little smile and his next words were in a whisper. “the master remembers. your little plan to destroy him … didn’t work. it was never going to work.” The smile spread wider. “LORD ENGLISH FUCKING LIVES. AND WE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE GONNA BRING DOWN THE DARK CARNIVAL UPON YOUR WRETCHED SOULS.” 

 

“Your grandiose claims do not impress me. Unhand Karkat and the Mayor or I will be forced to bisect you from another angle. Perhaps a 45 degree paracorporectomy.” Kanaya’s voice was low and threatening, her chainsaw revved up. 

 

“yeah you might be able to do that.” Gamzee’s smile remained pasted on his face. “I’M FASTER THAN YOU THINK THOUGH, BITCH.” His voice lowered again. “maybe you could cut me kanaya, but don’t think that you could do it before karkat and the mayor get their brains splattered.” His smile turned upside down. “AND MAYBE I’D RIP YOUR FUCKING SPINE OUT AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR BITCH NOOK. YOU STOLE MY BEST FRIEND.” His eyes flashed with rage.  

 

“sexualized violence ain’t exactly original, scarface.” Dave drawled, his accent thickening as it did when danger lurked. “you’re outnumbered and outgunned, fucknuts.” Dave’s sword shone brightly in the sunlight as he snapped his fingers and suddenly there were six of him, Daves from times a few seconds before or afterwards. Rose had her needles out. John his hammer. 

 

Gamzee wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning this fight. You’re pretty sure that John by himself could wipe the floor with the guy, even if he was bigger. And there was a lot of them. And only one of him. But he wasn’t entirely wrong when he said that they might not be able to guarantee the safety of the Mayor and Karkat. That was not acceptable. 

 

You’ve got a choice!

 

“We’re not interested in your stupid message.” You step foward and wave dismissively at him. “Hope you like swimming!” 

 

Instantly, Gamzee disappeared and would appearify again a considerable distance above the South Pacific Ocean. You’re quite certain that Gamzee would have lost this fight, but you don’t really want to have it at all today. Today’s not the day for fighting. You smile brightly at everyone. 

 

“Come on, guys! We’ve got a wedding!” You dash over to bring both Karkat and the Mayor into a big comforting hug. “We’ll deal with that stupid guy later. Today’s a happy day for new beginnings!”

  
  



	16. JANE: GET THE SCOOP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane Crocker is a hardworking gal with big plans. It turns out Dirk has some plans too and she gets to hear about them first.

It’s hard being the CEO and owner of the world’s largest corporation. It’s hard and nobody understands. 

 

It’s a little lonely at the top sometimes, even though there’s pretty much a continuous stream of hangers-on, eager to scoop their small share of your colossal fortune, which is certainly the largest fortune generated entirely through honest business- though you’re not sure if it’s more than the colossal trans-timeline investment schemes that Dave spearheads. You like to think of yourself a bit more like a Tony Stark figure who actually realizes the value in his day job, as opposed to Dave’s Bruce Wayne, who uses it as a thin facade for … 

 

Well, actually, mostly he just raps and stuff. Which is cool, you guess, but you’d think that someone who controls somewhere in the vicinity of ten percent of the global economy could probably do something more with that than occasionally funding his girlfriend’s passion projects. None of those, of course, were bad in and of themselves- in fact, a lot of them were pretty awesome. 

 

The problem was that everyone else seemed to lack vision and application. Making the world a better place and managing a constantly changing technological, economic and social scene required someone who was willing to put the hours in. To do the grunt work, the stuff that wasn’t cool. The stuff that needed doing, even when the warm glow of the positive media attention had faded.

 

And sometimes, someone had to make the tough calls.

 

Which was why she’d sent ahead a nice note and a fantastically amazing cake instead of attending the wedding in person. Because there was something deeply wrong according to the CrockerCorp satellites that orbited the planet. For one thing, the Extreme TV transmission tower (owned in fact, if not legally by Vriska) was emitting some rather strange and powerful signals recently. Also, there’d been sightings of strange green gangsters from time to time in various cities. 

 

*gutsyGumshoe has started pestering timaeusTestified* 

GG: Hello, Mr. Strider.  

TT: Jane. Everything is going well if that’s what you’re asking. The wedding was lovely, too. Except for the weird little episode just before the ceremony. 

TT: You should have been there, Jane. 

GG: I wanted to! :B But I’ve got a lot of very important work to do. The global economy doesn’t run itself! 

TT: Completely true on the face of it. But your personal connections and relationships are worth investing in too. 

GG: So you’re going to talk to me about that? You’re pretty isolated too! Though it’s  nice to hear that you went to the wedding. 

GG: … wait. What weird episode? 

TT: Gamzee showed up. 

GG: Wait. Gamzee. The clown troll? The murderer who’s a known follower of Lord English? 

TT: Yes, him. I imagine he is swimming or drowning or possibly being eaten by sharks somewhere in the South Pacific, courtesy of Jade’s space powers. 

GG: This is the stuff, though! That nobody believes is going to happen. 

GG: I know it sounds weird coming from me, because I was the skeptic for so long. But I’ve been trying to tell people that this perfect dream-like existence is going to end and that we’re going to have to earn our happy ending! UGH. 

TT: No, I agree with you totally. But we can address our serious concerns while not completely ruining everyone else’s enjoyment. Or our own for that matter. 

TT: Jane, when was the last time you did something for purely social reasons?

GG: When did YOU do something like that, Dirk? 

TT: I went out for some drinks with Sollux a couple of nights ago. And then attended the wedding earlier today. To be fair, I did duck out a little early. 

GG: Hoo-hoo! Tell me more about this Sollux thing. Was it a DATE, Dirk? 

TT: No. 

GG: Oh, okay. 

TT: We’re having one next Friday. I’m gonna go with him to Columbia University to hear his dog speak about animal intelligence and then we’re gonna do dinner afterwards.

GG: Well, that’s exciting. But .. the drones, Dirk. Are the drones ready? 

TT: Yes. Yeah, they’re ready. We should probably come up with a different name, though. ‘Drone’ has some hella bad implications for trolls. 

GG: I’ll think about it. But it’s good to know that they’re ready. I’m concerned about the transmissions coming from Vriska’s tower. 

TT: I’m concerned that Vriska has Jake so wrapped up in Stockholm Syndrome that he might as well get a Swedish passport, but sure, transmissions, yeah. 

GG: I hadn’t forgotten!

TT: You hadn’t done much about it, either. 

GG: DIRK. THAT IS NOT FAIR.

TT: Yeah, neither is being a psychopath’s personal bitch. 

TT: I’m sorry if that’s a little blunt, but it’s true. I’ve been working on something for a bit. Kind of a ‘bring her down with what she wants’ scheme. 

GG: So, in your opinion, what is it she wants?

TT: Honestly? Romance. A worthy partner for a flushed or caliginous relationship. Deep down, I think Vriska’s a hella lonely person. Which isn’t surprising, seeing as she’s burned pretty much all her bridges. 

GG: … so, you’re going to matchmake for her? And how will that bring her down? I’m not following. 

TT: Simple. Find someone who can handle her emotionally but also has the power level to deal with her directly if need be. 

TT: Terezi would be great on the first front, but she’s hella outmatched by Vriska. She got a lucky stab in a few alternate timelines but we can’t count on that. 

TT: John’s not interested. And I don’t think he could deal with her emotional shit, even though he’s certainly powerful enough.

GG: WHO? 

TT: Who’s the most powerful troll, Jane?

GG: Wait. But … Aradia’s like the nicest, sweetest person. Dirk, she hangs around hospitals to hold people’s hands as they die. Which is also kind of weird. But I think she’s coming at it from a direction of kindness. 

TT: Yes, she does. She is kind and compassionate. But … don’t you remember when that clown guy tried to hold up a charity hospital? 

TT: Aradia killed that motherfucker straight up. Just snapped his neck like cordwood. 

TT: She will be kind and caring and giving until you cross a line. 

TT: And if you do?

TT: Homegirl will end your shit. 

GG: I’m still not following how this is going to work. 

TT: Aradia’s ace when it comes to flushed relationships but I think she’s kinda looking for kismesis. And Vriska isn’t going to be able to manage her various irons in the fire when she’s consumed in the perfect hateromance. And Aradia’s strong enough in both ways to handle her. 

TT: Hopefully while she’s distracted, we can get Jake out of her power. 

TT: By the way, Jane, you’re the first person I’ve told about this. 

TT: I appreciate your confidentiality on the issue. 

GG: I won’t tell anyone. 

TT: Thanks, Jane. 

*timaeusTestified has stopped pestering gutsyGumshoe*


	17. ROXY: DEAL WITH FRUSTRATED MATESPRIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy's got a very frustrated John on her hands. Leave it to her to turn one sort of frustration into another one.

You haven’t seen John look this tense since the end of the big battles against the Condesce, the Noirs and Lord English. He’s tried to put up a brave face for the sake of the wedding, but the coiled anger is seething off of him. You can physically feel it, not the least of which is that a rather harsh wind has settled on Can Town, not enough to cause a lot of damage, but enough to be dismayingly unpleasant.

 

You know John’s aware of it but he’s doing the best he can not to create some ridiculous tempercane that would flatten the entire city. You can’t blame him, really. It was outrageous that Gamzee would show up at a wedding of all things, and ruin things with his awful, heinous appearance and ghastly clown tactics. And to even suggest that Lord English was or could come back? That was not cool in the slightest. You all sacrificed and fought for a long time to be rid of that malign bastard’s influence.

 

“John.” You manage to say, putting yourself between him and … well, you don’t know what. He hasn’t really trashed anything or even threatened to. But he’s going to do something dumb unless someone talks to him. Or something. “John, we’ve got to figure out what this dumbfuck wants and what he’s on about before we go in. I can pretty much promise you’ll get a chance to swing your hammer like the big goddamn hero you are. But … right now? Maybe chill a little.”

 

You find yourself having to suppress the craving for a drink. You’re willing to bet that Rose is feeling the same way right now. _Kanaya’s on that, though. She’s not gonna let Rosey fall off the wagon._

 

John let out a slightly harsh breath and flopped onto a chair. “I guess you’re right. I just, I hate that he can just show up and be awful and threaten Karkat and the Mayor like that. And that we don’t even get to beat the shit out of him for it. Ugh.” John pouted, entirely too adorably despite his evident anger. You find yourself unable not to lean in and give him a quick kiss.

 

“Roxyyy.” He looks up at you with a funny little expression. “I’m supposed to be all mad and stuff.” He offers the derpiest, sweetest grin you think you’ve ever seen on any person ever. “Pretty hard to be properly angry about awful shit when the prettiest gal in paradox space is fixin’ to smooch me.”

 

“Uh, bein’ that cute ain’t exactly a good way to get me to stop, Johnny.” You decide that his lap looks like a nice place to put yourself, so you happily flop yourself into it, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him again. This time, though, it’s not really just a cute little peck. You’re alone together, properly for once, so you’re gonna really go for it.

 

John grins at you when you finally part, looking just a tiny bit rumpled but the angry aura around him much diminished. “Well, if you were trying to chill me out … it kinda worked? I mean, I feel a lot better. But uh, honestly-”

 

“Not so chilled out?” You smile faintly and shift slightly in his lap so you're straddling him instead of just sitting there. Which was probably pretty forward.

 

“Uh, yeah …” John nodded, eyes widening visibly behind his glasses. “Not so chilled out.” His hands settle a little shyly on your hips.

 

The tension in the room not too long ago had been distinctly unpleasant, with the fucknasty acrid tang of anger putting up its ungodly funk in the room. But now, things were probably just as tense, but in a very different way. You place your hands softly on his chest and even through his shirt you can feel his warmth, as well as the hardness of his muscles. It’s kind of like touching a stone statue, except he’s warm and alive to the touch instead of cold and hard.

 

“Probably my fault, there. The not-chilled out.” You smile down at him. “Guess we got a couple of options here ..."

 

John laughs. “Don’t say it! Don’t say advance or abscond!”

 

“Fuck no.” You reply emphatically. You’re not going to quote Vriska Serket fucking _ever._ “But uh, I guess … it’s not unlike that?” You’ve cultivated a bit of a reputation as being forward, but the truth is that you really haven’t _done_ much. And things kinda feel like they could go a pretty long while if you two let them. _Guess it’s one way of making sure he doesn’t take off and do some dumb hero thing and make me worry._

 

But that was a shitty way to think about what was really a pretty important moment between them. Maybe even _the_ moment. That wasn’t specifically the plan right now, but Roxy knew that things didn’t always go according to plan. And it wasn’t like she’d _mind_ that happening. You shift a little, almost more nervously than anything else against him.

 

“Roxy.” His voice comes out thick and also like it was pretty hard for him to say that coherently, and, well, _speaking of those particular adjectives … hoo boy._ His eyes widen again. “Oh shit, I’m sorry, I’m-”

 

“John. You think I mind that?” You raise your eyebrow and the next time you move against him, it’s very, very deliberately. And then you lean down to kiss him and this time, it’s heated and passionate and maybe even a little needy.

  



	18. GAMZEE: RECRUIT ALLIES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee finds some new friends at the Gathering of the Juggalos. 
> 
> He's cookin' up some miracles for his old friends. :o)

_ Motherfuckin’ heresy all around me.  _

 

It’d taken Gamzee quite awhile to get out of his arrival point in the ocean, where he’d almost immediately been accosted by a number of sharks.  _ Motherfuckin’ sharks learned, though, after I killed about six of them. They didn’t taste half bad, either.  _ He’d found a passing ship pretty quickly and, well, they’d agreed to take him in quick order after he’d come aboard and murdered a couple of crew members.

 

Sadly, they were just fucking humans. Human blood wasn’t that good for painting the wicked pictures- it was always just red. Human blood also annoyed him because it reminded him of Karkat.  _ Best friend up and left me. Broke my fuckin’ valve, the heartless bitch. Took up with that nookgobblin, shame-globe bustin’ bitch Kanaya. One day I’m gonna squeeze out every drop of that jade blood and use it to paint a bunch of bulges. She’d fuckin’ hate that.  _

 

Once he’d managed to land on a decent sized-island, it only took a little more physical pressure to get an appearifier. He’d considered going right back to Can Town, but bringing the bloody rhymes of the Mirthful Messiahs with him instead of what was basically a friendly hello.  _ Bitches get all aggressive. I didn’t even hurt Karkat even a little. He walked out of there just fine. Him and the dumbass carapacian.  _

 

Gamzee knew, however, that he needed some followers. This couldn’t be a solo operation- the coming of the Dark Carnival was gonna need a lot of asses in the seats. He’d sent out a quiet word on various websites related to the heretic, loathsome Earth rappers Insane Clown Posse and their various affiliates, as well as to a few followers of a rather prominent clown-themed human criminal who’d been murdered by one of his former friends.  _ Aradia. Bitch should know her destiny ain’t shit but serving the Lord. Maids serve Lords.  _

 

Peeps would meet up here, at the Gathering of the Juggalos. The whole place reeked of unwashed bodies, humans, trolls and even a few carapacians, as well as their accumulated filth and dense clouds of every imaginable type of soporific. Once Gamzee would have loved this place, with its strange combination of menace and camaraderie, but now it offended him. Most of these so-called Juggalos just wanted to turn their minds off and listen to the heretical rhymes of their two false prophets. 

 

“real motherfuckin’ miracle would be if anyone worthwhile shows up.” Gamzee didn’t have a high opinion of humans as a species, but he’d learned well enough that they were capable of getting up to some nasty shit. In some ways, they were probably more creative than most trolls were. 

 

“I’m guessin’ you’re the troll guy who put out the call.” The voice sounded annoying, a shrill, slightly nasally dialect of Human English. Which conveniently seemed to be basically the same as Alternian.  _ Guess havin’ our universes all linked has its advantages.  _ She looked more or less like she fit in with the crowd, wearing the same clown paint and relative lack of other clothing as many of the other human females in the crowd.

 

But that was a heavy-as-shit hammer she was carrying and there was something in her eye that suggested she knew how to use it- and also, that she was probably a good deal smarter than she might’ve looked at first guess. 

 

“YEAH, THAT’S ME.” Gamzee’s voice boomed out. “HEARD YOU WERE LOOKIN’ FOR SOME REVENGE FOR YOUR DEAD MATESPRIT. FUNNY THING, I’M LOOKIN’ FOR SOME VENGEANCE AGAINST THAT SAME CREW.” His voice dropped lower as he approached her, his lanky, wiry seven-foot figure looming vastly over her. “so you up to set the motherfuckin world on fire?” The invitation was punctuated by a quiet honk. 

 

“Sure am. And I brought a few friends too.” The woman gestured and several armed people started to emerge out of the otherwise weirdly placid chaos of the Gathering. Gamzee smirked faintly as from the other side, a handful of trolls, big tough bluebloods with a couple of promisingly-sadistic looking highbloods emerged as well, having heard his summons from the other side. 

 

“... I’m guessing you want me to show you Mistah J’s old toys, dontcha?” The human woman smirked faintly. 

 

“YEAH. I’D LIKE TO SEE THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN’ TOYS. BREW UP SOME FUCKIN MIRACLES FOR MY FRIENDS.” Gamzee sneered, then paused for a moment. “but first- this fuckin’ den of heresy, brothers and sisters, it has got to be fuckin’ purged.” He honked lustily as he set to the task of destruction with his new crew. 

 

It was fuckin’ beautiful to behold. :o)


	19. KANAYA: BE FRUSTRATED MATESPRIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya is in a no-good, awful, terrible mood. She hates clown trolls and wants to chainsaw them all. 
> 
> Can anything take her mind off of clown hunting?

You and Rose have built a very lovely hive together, located conveniently in the bustling mostly-human city of New York, a vast hub of commerce and culture that frankly outshines anything that Alternia had to offer. Sometimes, you enjoy going out into the bright daylight and exploring the city, whether with Rose or by yourself. You’ve found it easy to make new friends and acquaintances along the way.

 

You’ve even established an eager global market for your clothing. 

 

Life has been beautiful and wonderful, a blessed respite from the horrors of Sgrub. You’ve never been happier in your life. There’s a never-ending world full of beauty and wonders to explore, and you’ve found yourself a perfect companion to explore it with. Not to mention each other. She’s even completely accepting of your status as a rainbow drinker. 

 

And then the fucking clown has to show up and ruin everything just by existing. You would have preferred to kill him on the spot, but Jade had insisted on disappearing him somewhere into the ocean. You don’t mind the notion of his body being devoured by sharks but you’re much too realistic to believe that he will somehow miraculously be eaten or drown or maybe be harpooned by a passing whaler. Gamzee is going to come back and he’s going to probably hurt or kill some of your friends again. 

 

So it’s fair to say that you’re in a rather foul mood and not even the sweet sounds of  _ Forlorn Love Songs Vol. IV (All Ladies Edition)  _ can bring you out of your funk. You also tried to exorcise it with some exercise, but all you want to do is punch the punching bag, and you’ve already gone through six of those, and made an ungodly mess while you were at it. Apparently punching bags are not built to sustain the angry blows of an enraged rainbow drinker. Or, specifically, you. 

 

“Kanaya?” Rose calls to you and you can tell she’s mildly concerned. And possibly annoyed by the mess, which unusually for you, you did not meticulously clean up. Normally, you are the neatest and tidiest of all trolls. Today, however, you left the fitness room in a state of you-induced dismay, perhaps as a silent monument to your anger. You’d rather have destroyed Gamzee, though. You kind of hope you’ll get your chance soon. 

 

“I am here.” You reply, careful not to inflict your emotional state on Rose, who after all, does not deserve even the smallest measure of your wrath. “I apologize for not cleaning up after myself. I will rectify that … shortly.” 

 

“Kanaya. We have a cleaning robot that sits gathering dust, because you insist on doing its job more efficiently than it ever could.” Rose’s lips curved into a faint smile for a moment before fading away. “Kanaya. I’m not worried about a little mess, but … I am worried about this anger.” Rose frowns slightly now and even as angry as you are at most things that are not her, it crushes you just a little. “Promise me you’re not going to do anything ridiculous.” 

 

You take a breath and solemnly nod. “I will not. I … part of me would like to, but you have my word.” Your word is your bond. Insincerity is fine for humorous purposes, but this is serious. “I will not even find John and engage in a round of ill-advised heroics with him.” You chuckle a little wryly, but the smile behind it doesn’t reach your eyes. “I imagine that Roxy is having a similar discussion with him.”

 

“You could say that.” Rose replies enigmatically. “John’s … not going anywhere anytime soon. For ill-advised heroics or otherwise.” 

 

You’re beginning to suspect that Roxy used some underhanded tactics in ensuring John’s compliance. “Shall I prepare a fruit basket for the happy couple?” You would send them some champagne or something, but that would be appallingly distasteful considering that both your matesprit and Roxy herself are recovering alcoholics. “Shall I prepare myself for the inevitable nuptials?” Okay, you’re being a little sarcastic now. 

 

“I hope the fuck not.” Rose grins a little wryly. “If John thinks he’s going to be marrying my sister before we get married, he’s sadly mistaken.” 

 

“Hm. Then we would be best advised to make our own plans with alacrity.” You reply, actually smiling just a little. You’re still very, very angry with the world and would like very much to slice Gamzee into tiny pieces. But once again, Rose has used some manner of black magic to lift you into a considerably more functionable state of being. 

 

She is very adept with black magic, Rose Lalonde. She also looks quite fetching in black lingerie, but that is neither here nor there, just a pleasant thought that flitted into your think pan. 

 

“I agree, fully. We must seize the initiative, Kanaya.” Rose’s smile quirked a little, and now she looked a little nervous. “Actually … I had planned to do so, when we returned from the wedding in Can Town. And because I’ve basically said that, I’m going to-” 

 

_ Oh. Oh my.  _ You’re pretty sure that your active brain has almost totally shut down. It takes you actual seconds to process the fact that Rose is getting on one knee and that there is a shining object in her hand, a piece of personal adornment that looks like it would fit nicely on your finger. It takes a second or two more to realize that this is actually happening right now and that you are being proposed to. 

 

“Yes.” You manage to reply, faintly jade-coloured tears forming at the corner of your eyes. “Yes, Rose. I will.” 

 

“... you know, traditionally, answers come after the question.” But Rose’s eyes are shining at the sudden, intense, beautiful emotion of the moment and she springs up, literally floating on air and you kiss and it’s like every kiss at the end of every sappy romance, except it’s your romance, and this is actually your life and this is real. And after a long, sweet moment, Rose floats down to Earth and you hold out a slightly trembling hand and she, with slightly trembling hands, slips that ring on your finger and it’s maybe the most beautiful moment in your whole life and you’ve forgotten all about that fucking clown. 

 

You’re still going to kill him if you can, of course. But right now, you’ve got much more pressing and wonderful concerns. 


	20. DAVE: BE PESTERED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose can't wait to share her news with Dave. 
> 
> Dave can't seem to stop oversharing. 
> 
> It's a pretty typical Dave/Rose pesterchat?

*tentacleTherapist has started pestering turntechGodhead*

TT: Hello, Dave. :) 

TG: someones in a good mood

TG: you finally make an honest troll out of kanaya or something

TT: Actually, that is exactly why I am in such a delightful state of being. We are engaged to be married as of a few hours ago.

TG: well shit thats amazing

TG: everyones just having these massive moments in their love lives

TG: just dropping big milestones right and left and building themselves nice little romance stonehenges

TG: between your engagement and egbert finally getting laid were off to a great start in love land

TG: shit wheres my big relationship milestone

TG: youre leaving me without a peg to stand on

TT: Surely you mean ‘leg’, David dearest. Unless you’d like to confess something? 

TG: i dont know what youre talking about

TG: probably more of your freudian shit

TG: thats okay it aint no thing

TG: i understand that therapists gotta therapize

TG: gotta shrink them big and complex thoughts and ideas into convenient little labels and prescription bottles

TG: but seriously congratulations times a billion

TT: Thank you, Dave. It feels right. I don’t know where I’d be without Kanaya, to be honest. 

TG: eh youd do better than youd think

TG: but kanaya seems to make you super happy and vice versa so go you guys

TT: I’m actually touched by the sentiment.

TG: hey no problem ectosis

TG: btw how is sismom? 

TT: Roxy is just fine. Quite well, thanks. As you say, she’s experiencing a bit of a milestone in her own love life. 

TG: its nice that thats a big thing for some people

TG: i mean i feel like it should be 

TG: special

TT: I sense a faint bit of regret there, Dave. Do you regret having dated Terezi? 

TG: no i just 

TG: i mean its not the end of the world

TG: but for me it was just sort of a thing that happened and it was kind of fun and then things got weird for a little bit and then they got better

TG: it was pretty cool dont get be wrong

TG: but i guess a weird part of me wishes it could have been a bit 

TG: magical

TG: fuck that sounds so gay to type

TG: eh fuck it im like at least a quarter gay anyway

TT: There’s nothing particularly either homosexual or uncool about wishing that you had, perhaps, a more emotionally resonant first sexual experience.

TG: i guess so but anyways its all good

TG: i mean im moirails with her now so obvs things are cooler than cool

TT: Yes, her and Aradia. You cad, you. Just pale-ing all the fine troll ladies. 

TG: i have no regrets

TG: living the dream here rose

TG: just in a big plush pile with two fine troll ladies

TT: I honestly can’t fault you. 

TG: you know ive been thinking about this gamzee stuff

TG: and how fucking weird life is

TG: so like when gamzee shows up and starts talking about lord english again its like oh fuck were being fucked up the ass but fate again

TG: but the aftermaths been weird

TG: great things are happening to lots of us in our personal lifes

TT: Maybe the brush with danger has made us reexamine our priorities. It certainly made me more urgently consider marriage with Kanaya. 

TG: yeah

TG: so basically

TG: its like fate is fucking us in the ass

TG: but its using lots of lube and maybe giving us a nice little reacharound too

TG: which is better than last time where it was pretty much raw and drier than the sahara

TG: thinking about it makes me not ever want to sit down

TT: You seem to be returning to a theme tonight. And while in one way it’s sort of fascinating, in another, I have no desire whatsoever to know the intimate details of yours and Jade’s sex life. 

TG: thats bullshit

TG: you are hella curious

TG: youre taking notes and raising your eyebrow right now

TG: just like a real therapist

TT: I assure you I am not. I’m glad you are happy in your relationship, though. 

TG: jades the fucking best

TT: She is quite a wonderful young woman, yes. You’re a lucky man, Dave Strider. 

TG: sure as fuck am

TG: even if i cant barely sit down

TT: Dave. 

TG: oh sorry

TG: you want the details of my neuroses not my activities

TG: gotcha

TT: Once again, you are completely correct. It has been interesting talking to you, though. I’ll give you more information about the upcoming wedding when we take a moment to actually plan something. 


	21. TEREZI: K1CK 4SS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi wants to find out something about Gamzee, so she goes to a dive bar to meet some ruffians who have SHADY DEALINGS. They think picking on a blind girl and her dog is fun.
> 
> H3H3H3

“If you know what’s good for you, little girlie, you’re gonna take your sweet little ass and that stupid fucking dog of yours out of this establishment.” The proprietor stank of overripe blueberries.  _ An angry bitter blueblood, annoyed that his veiny fluid no longer buys the privileges it used to!  _ The seadwellers still had a bit of a special place in the new troll society, due to their relatively independent status from human society and the jade and tealbloods served valuable regulatory purposes that tended to make them useful to the human-dominated surface countries. 

 

“How RUDE.” You cackle enthusiastically. “I am, after all, a fully accredited legislacerator and the Inspector here is a fully accredited seeing eye dog. So right now, you’re being both flagrantly disrespectful of an officer of the law  _ and  _ unconscionably rude to a blind girl and her dog.” You click your cane against the ground. “So I think … I think you’d better tell your goons to back the fuck off before they get their nooks booked.” She cackled obnoxiously again. “And you, good sir, had best be more cooperative! Or I may have to start making arrests.” 

 

“You don’t have a warrant, bitch.” The blueblooded troll sneered. “And you’re nothin’ without that stupid badge. And you’re not even smart enough to have a gun by the looks of it. You got ten seconds. Ten. Nine. Eight.  _ Seven.”  _

__

“But … you didn’t even ask my name! You have the right to do that, you know!” You add brightly. “You might find it changes your mind!”

 

But they’re not in a mood to listen and before you know it, you’re being engaged in a strife by two much larger trolls! They probably think that they’re going to have an easy time beating on a blind little girl and her sweet, innocent dog. And to be fair, Inspector Floppyears isn’t exactly the fiercest of warriors. But you? Terezi Pyrope? Are absolutely fierce as  _ fuck.  _ You’ve survived the brutal ringer of Sgrub and faced down the raging fury of more than one Jack Noir.

 

“I’m Terezi Pyrope, and I’ve had tougher fights for breakfast!” You laugh as you slide the shining blade out of your cane and whip it towards your opponent with lightning speed, neatly drawing a blue line into your opponent’s flesh, before you slide around swiftly and elegantly jab your razor-sharp blade at the other goon’s wrist, drawing it out swiftly so it doesn’t get stuck, severing nerves and creating a horrid, bleeding wound. “And now … you’ll have to get medical attention for that. Or you  _ will  _ bleed out and I will smell you  _ die.”  _

 

Their boss quickly puts up his hands. “Fuck, you should’ve said you were  _ Terezi Pyrope.”  _ He looks terrified and you smell a sudden acrid stench coming from his trousers.  _ Gross, but fitting.  _ The two goons stumble off to seek their necessary medical attention. 

 

“Well, how many other blind legislacerators are there?” Terezi raised an eyebrow and cackled again. “Pretty stupid! But now …” Her blade pointed directly at his throat and her voice went low, drained of its usual mirth. “You’re going to tell me everything you know about Gamzee and what he’s doing. Or I  _ am  _ going to smell you die today.” 

 

“I … I don’t know anything.” You smell lies. Your blade rests just a little more snugly against his throat. Just enough that you can smell just a tiny droplet of his overripe blueberry blood leaking out of his air chute. It would take just a tiny, tiny push to nick something that he couldn’t possibly unnick in time to save his life.

 

“Don’t. Lie.” Your voice is low and menacing. Thinking about Gamzee and how he fucked you up on the inside, how he stripped away your very identity, makes your blood want to boil. You want nothing more than to be the one who finally kills that fucking clown, and as much as you adore Jade, you’re pretty annoyed with her letting his vile ass live even a moment longer. “You sell weapons. Favors. Launder money.”

 

“... dunno  _ much. _ ” It smells like truth so you ease the pressure just a little bit. “He’s been looking up old connections of that Joker guy. The clown human villain guy who your friend offed. And weapons. I didn’t sell `em to him. I mean, Joker made his own shit and just bought components. And I don’t deal in chemical weapons. Honest. Too much heat for my ass.” It still smells like truth. “But he’s working hard. Calling in Joker’s old favors. Heard … he’s been travelling around with his old lady. That he’s looking for power. Anything he can get. Weapons. Money. Magic. Anything. That’s all I know.” 

 

You frown for a moment. You wanted more. You wanted a location, but this man won’t tell you that. He doesn’t know. Swiftly, you leap up to his head level and bash his face down onto the bar hard enough to shatter it. You grab him by his hair and hurl him against the wall. 

 

“If you ever find out anything useful … you’ll tell me. Or I’ll be back.” Your tone changes back to its usual cheerful self. “Inspector! We’re done here! Back home to see what Karkles is up to!” 

  
  



	22. KARKAT: BE TROLLED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat gets trolled by some troll who apparently is a Lord Protector? What's up with that? 
> 
> Also, he does the (pale, you perverts <3) do with Kanaya.

*augustAmbition has started trolling carcinoGeneticist*

AA: “I was simply wondering when you were going to tell me about the situation at the Can Town Wedding.”

CG: LOOK, WE HAVE A LOT OF SHIT ON OUR CONSUMPTION DISCS RIGHT NOW. I’M SORRY, I GUESS, BUT WE’RE ON IT. 

AA: “Of course. I have no doubt that you are. But the situation is more serious than you think, Karkat.”

AA: GAMZEE AND HIS PACK OF CLOWN BANDITS HAVE ATTACKED A FILIAL FACILITY. THEY HAVE KILLED A MOTHER GRUB, KARKAT. A FUCKING MOTHER GRUB. 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU SERIOUS. I THOUGHT YOU HAD LIKE, HUNDREDS OF GUARDS AT EACH OF THOSE SITES. 

AA: “Yes, they were all highly secure and their locations highly secret. Only certified Lusus Mothers and a handful of high officials knew their location. Which means I have a traitor somewhere in my staff.” 

AA: “I suppose what I am trying to suggest is that whatever efforts you and the fellow Makers are taking to take him down, I kindly suggest that you accelerate them.”

AA: KARKAT THERE ARE ONLY THIRTEEN MOTHER GRUBS. WE’VE JUST LOST A VERY SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF OUR REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY. 

AA: “As you know, we’re already … little more than guests on a human world. If our numbers start to decline markedly, that could make our survival most parlous. We cannot survive as the carapacians do, by being harmless and adorable. The humans know better.

CG: TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT WE ALSO HAVE A VESTED INTEREST IN BRINGING THIS CHUCKLEFUCK DOWN FOR GOOD. BOTH GOOD OFFICIAL REASONS AND SOME REALLY COMPELLING PERSONAL SHIT THAT GOES WAY BACK. 

AA: “Excellent. Perhaps instructing the people that the Makers are well-aware and personally involved in the situation will calm them for a time.” 

CG: SURE. YOU DO WHATEVER IS POLITICALLY EXPEDIENT. I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GUY. BUT YEAH, WE’LL GO CLOWN HUNTING AND NOT REST UNTIL GAMZEE IS OUT OF THE PICTURE. 

AA: “Thank you. If you require any sort of assistance from me, please just ask. I am eager to help any way I can.” 

CG: I WILL. JUST KEEP IN TOUCH IF YOUR PEOPLE SPOT GAMZEE AND I’LL DO THE SAME ON MY END. 

AA: “I look forward to the success of this collaboration. Good hunting, Karkat.” 

*augustAmbition has stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist*

 

“UGH. THAT FUCKING LORD PROTECTOR GUY GETS RIGHT UP IN MY WASTE CHUTE.” Karkat growled as he closed his grubtop. “ESPECIALLY WHEN WHAT WE SHOULD BE DOING HERE IS PLANNING FOR YOUR FUCKING HUMANWEDDING NOT BANDYING WORDS WITH A WANNABE EMPEROR WHO STEALS NAMES FROM HUMAN EMPERORS WHO DIED LONG AGO.” You flop into the strong, but gentle arms of your moirail, who presses a soft kiss against the top of your think pan. It’s difficult to maintain your usual levels of aggression when faced with Kanaya’s pale affections. Nobody can beat her in a pale-off. She is simply the best there is. 

 

“It is important to maintain communications with the political leadership.” Kanaya reassured him, giving him a gentle squeeze. “As for our wedding, we have plenty of time to plan it. I suspect we’ll have to deal with Gamzee and his band of ruffians before that happens.” Kanaya sighed slightly. “It … it worries me that he attacked a mother grub. There are not so many of them. It could just be a provocation or perhaps the sign of an intentional strategy on his part.” 

 

“YEAH, WELL, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND HIM BEFORE HE MANAGES TO HIT ANOTHER ONE.” You sigh a little harshly. “AND YEAH, I AGREE THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE THE PRIORITY. BUT I WANT TO GO ON RECORD AS SAYING THAT YOUR MARITAL CEREMONY IS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE TO ME. YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING BEST AND ONLY THE BEST.” 

 

Kanaya smiles a little at that and reaches out to softly ruffle your hair- something that you would not tolerate from anyone but her and maybe,  _ maybe  _ Terezi. “It will be wonderful, for the simple fact that I’m marrying Rose. But I’m not averse to a little ceremonial, either.” She’s quiet and thoughtful for a moment and you have a sinking feeling that you know what she’s thinking. 

 

“YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT.” You turn so you can look at her. 

 

“Would you consider engaging in a marriage ceremony with Miss Pyrope?” Kanaya asks a little teasingly. “Surely she deserves to have an honest troll made out of her.” 

 

“I DON’T KNOW. I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU AND ROSE, I THINK. BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP ISN’T … I DON’T KNOW. DON’T GIVE HER THE IDEA.” You growl slightly but it’s affectionate. You content yourself by softly placing your forehead against Kanaya’s. “I MEAN, IF IT WAS IMPORTANT TO HER, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF IT IS.” 

 

You’re quiet for a moment. 

 

“I’M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT HER, KAN. SHE’S PLAYING THIS OFF AS NO BIG DEAL, BUT GAMZEE HURT HER, KAN. HE HURT HER REALLY BAD AND I’M AFRAID HE’LL FIND A WAY TO DO IT AGAIN. AND THAT I’LL BE WORSE THAN USELESS AGAIN.

 

LIKE ALWAYS.”

 

It’s been a long time since you’ve felt quite so small and vulnerable thinking about this. You hate it. You like being treated with deference by the most politically powerful troll in the world. You don’t like feeling like you did when the Bard of Rage first awoke.

 

You hoped you’d never feel like that again. 

 

“We are going to destroy that chucklefuck.” Kanaya’s voice is soothing and velvety but there’s cold steel underneath. “He’s not going to be able to hurt us ever again. I promise you.” She softly kisses your forehead and you’re too safely and warmly wrapped up in strong, loving arms to feel quite so scared for the time being. 

 

Kanaya is the best moirail ever. 

  
  
  
  



	23. ARADIA: KNOW TERR0R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia has a terrifying encounter in the dream bubbles. 
> 
> Oh noes. 0n0

You love the dream bubbles! You get to hang out with all your dead friends! Right now, you’re having tea with Nepeta and it’s just lovely. There’s also a lot of good little purrbeasts who died young, which is a little sad, but it’s okay, because this particular Nepeta is a very good cat lusus and they’ll be small, fluffy and adorable forever. You’ve got a couple of them on your lap right now, just purring away. 

 

“It’s a simply purrfect day, isn’t it?” Nepeta says brightly, picking up the teapot. “More Purrl Grey?” You assent with a big smile and she pours your cup full. You do, however, decline the lumps of sugar which she loves to add to her own. A little too many in your view. A little sugar is important in coffee, but you actually prefer to take your tea plain. And it is a lovely tea. You do enjoy the subtle flavour of purrgamot. Or bergamot. 

 

“It is lovely, indeed.” You reach down to pet one of the kittens on your lap and then the other in turn. “Have you met many of the others in the bubbles lately? I’m sure a doomed Equius would love to meet his old moirail again.” Oh man, you’re going to try real hard to act like you don’t think Equius is gross as fuck. Or that his building endless robot versions of you wasn’t incredibly creepy. You’re thinking about his gross, sweaty existence and you really, really don’t want to.

 

It’s not kismesis, not really. There’s no excitement. No lusty thrill. Just disgust. 

 

Nepeta turns her head and looks at some clouds gathering on the horizon. “Oh noes! It looks like it’s going to rain.” She frowns deeply. “Well, maybe we should go inside the hive and finish our tea there.” 

 

The clouds are big and dark and look like they’re going to bring on one hell of a storm. But there’s something off about them. There’s a flash and it’s not the brilliant blue-white flash of ordinary lightning, but something much more ominous. A flash of green energy. And there’s something,  _ something  _ inside that swirling cloud of green lightning and miasmic cloud.

 

A shape. 

 

A corpse box.  _ Sarcophagus,  _ that’s the fancy word that Rose taught you for corpse box. A very large one, flashing all manner of brilliant colours. Your eyes open wide.  _ Oh no. No. No.  _ You screw up your courage and reach out to stop time, but this time there’s no backup from a ghost army. You’re all by yourself and Gamzee was right. He  _ is  _ back. Or he never left. It’s hard to know with Lord English. You look a little helplessly over at Nepeta. She looks over curiously at the gathering storm. 

 

“Nepeta! Run!” You curse yourself even as you say it because it’ll mean nothing. She can’t run. This dream bubble is doomed and she’s going to die in an actual, final way. But maybe, somehow, she can hide. 

 

**_HOW CAN YOU HOPE TO ESCAPE ME, LITTLE FAIRY?_ **

 

**_I AM ALREADY THERE._ **

 

Massive clawed hands are at your throat and you’re being pressed hard into the ground and your breath is coming in little snatched gulps at first but then nothingness as the pressure in your gas exchange sacs continues to build and you’re sure that you’re going to die, and you’re struggling and trying to use your magic but your telekinesis and your time magic mean nothing against Lord English this time. Nothing means anything, except the immense weight of his hands on your throat. 

 

**_TELL THEM THAT I’M COMING._ **

 

**_KNOW THAT MY HAND ON YOUR THROAT IS ETERNITY._ **

 

**_FEEL ME STRANGLE OUT EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE._ **

 

**_EVERY BREATH FROM NOW UNTIL YOU DIE BY MY HAND._ **

 

**_JUST LIKE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE_ **

****

**_I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, BITCH._ **

 

**_LORD ENGLISH IS BACK!!!!!_ **

 

And just like that, the weight is gone and you’re out of the dream bubble completely, waking up screaming in your recuperacoon, the sopor slime doing absolutely nothing to block out the nightmare vision of Lord English’s flashing eyes or the feeling of his heavy, heavy hands on your throat.  _ Maybe it was just a nightmare. Maybe I’m just worried too much about this Gamzee stuff.  _

 

But your hands reach up to your throat and it feels tender. In the shiny side of the recuperacoon you can see that it’s a little bruised.

 

And then you scream and scream until you can’t scream anymore and then you just brokenly sob, because the dream is over. 

 

The dream is over and the long nightmare has begun again. 

 


	24. JADE: CONFER WITH FRIENDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew get together to discuss the whole Lord English thing. 
> 
> Apparently John's hella tall now?

“WE’RE FUCKED.” Karkat exclaimed, his head in his hands.”WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO? NOW THAT WE HAVE FUCKING PROOF THAT LORD ENGLISH IS OUT THERE. THAT ALL THIS TIME, HE WAS JUST WAITING, I GUESS, FOR THE OPPORTUNE MOMENT TO BUST OUR NOOKS UNAWARES. GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO GET READY FOR THIS? WE’VE JUST BEEN SITTNG AROUND CONTEMPLATING OUR HUMAN-BIRTH PITS AND GENTLY FONDLING EACH OTHER’S GLOBES.” 

 

It wasn’t unusual for Karkat to be a bit freaked out- he was excitable at the best of times and the fragile equilibrium of his emotional being had been pretty much destroyed as soon as Aradia had told everyone. What is more surprising to you are the grim, worn looks on literally everyone’s faces. Honestly, everyone kind of looked pre-defeated. And that wouldn’t do. 

 

“We can do this!” You finally speak up. “I mean, it’s an awful situation and I’m scared too, but we’ve got to kind of … get our shit together and actually do something about this. We’re heroes! The biggest, most powerful goddamn heroes in paradox space! And Lord English at least got beat before. We’ll just have to do a little better this time. And unlike last time, we can all work together on it. We won’t be distracted by some battle against a troll empress! Or random Jacks!”

 

“Lord English was defeated by a vast army of ghosts, including dozens of god-tier ghosts.” Aradia spoke quietly, in a softly despairing tone that broke Jade’s heart a little. Her hands still clutched slightly at her throat as she was held tightly in Terezi’s arms. Terezi herself wasn’t smiling at all, unlike her usual shark-toothed grin. 

 

It was John that broke the silence. “Jade’s right.” Jade glanced over at him, as did everyone else. You know that Vriska had had her brief time as a leader of sorts, but once she’d basically left to host a sadistic reality show and ruin every friendship she’d ever built, people pretty much immediately started looking at John again for leadership. Sometimes, it was really crazy to think that the tall, muscular man with the surprisingly deep voice was really the same derpy John Egbert she used to know. 

 

Seriously, John was pushing six and a half feet! 

 

But then John smiled slightly and it was the same old John Egbert and it seemed like no matter what, her ectobro could always be counted on for a silly grin. “Lord English might be pretty powerful, but deep down, he’s the stupid little twerp I beat up once. And we’re powerful too. And we’ve got each other. We’re gonna have to do better, but we’re gonna  _ do _ better. And the first thing we need to do is take down that stupid, fucking clown.” John’s voice lowered slightly and became more thoughtful for a second. “And we’re going to have to figure out where Vriska stands in all this, too.” 

 

“Can we just destroy her, ugh?” Terezi’s lip curled with disdain, but it was half-hearted.  _ They used to be moirails and before that, what? Kismeses? Matesprits? Something in between?  _ Honestly, you’re happy to keep her own romantic entanglements pretty neat and simple! Only a boyfriend for you! Speaking of boyfriends, you make your way over to where Dave is looming over the assembly, looking tenser than a coiled spring. 

 

“Hey, babe.” An arm snakes lazily around your middle and draws you in close to lean against him. “Thanks for keeping the spirit alive. Gotta have some optimism up in this bitch, between you and Johnboy over there.” 

 

“You’re going to have to stop calling him that.” You nearly whisper, laying your head against Dave’s chest. You can feel his heartbeat. It’s kind of amazing. 

 

“Uh, I can hear you guys.” John added. “I’m in the room, you know.” 

 

“Yes, John, I’m sure they’re well aware of your continued presence inside this shared space.” Rose replied with a thin smirk of her own. “So, fearless leader, you propose that we should focus our immediate endeavours on the clown?” 

 

“I for one would viscerally approve of such a course of action.” Kanaya practically snarled. She’s normally sweet and kind and nurturing, but even the casual mention of Gamzee made her tone turn low and menacing. Kanaya could be pretty scary when she wanted to be! But she’s scary on your side, and not on the other side. You can’t blame her for being scary about Gamzee, either. 

 

You  _ know  _ Gamzee hurt Karkat. And Terezi even more. And he would’ve done much worse if he’d been allowed to. And now he’d attacked a mother grub. 

 

“I’m no leader, friend-based or otherwise, but I humbly propose that we make him pay.” 

 

Dave spoke up in his inimitable drawl, the one he liked to play up from time to time. “Shiit, Kan. Y’all mad fixin’ to go clown huntin’?” 

 

Kanaya turns her gaze towards Dave. She smirks thinly. “Why yes. I believe we should accomplish this. Make this clown hunt transpire.” 

  
  
  



	25. JOHN: BE ASKED SOMETHING BY FRIEND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets in a quick spar with Kanaya and is asked something by Rose.

“John.” You turn around to see Kanaya standing behind you, just as you were about to leave.

 

“Hey Kanaya.” You smile slightly at her, even though there’s not a whole lot to smile about right now. You feel obligated to give it a go anyway, though. People are counting on you. You’re pretty aware that you’ve been drafted as the friendleader again. That’s all right, but sometimes it feels a bit heavy and right now you’re definitely carrying quite a bit of that weight.

 

Kanaya purses her lips. “You look as if you could use some manner of release of nervous tension.” 

 

You’re smiling maybe just a little wider. “Are you asking me if you wanna go spar? Because hell yeah. I’m game.” You like training with Kanaya, because she’s tough enough that you don’t have to hold back  _ too  _ much with her. It’s something you don’t talk about a lot, because it’s sort of weird and uncomfortable to think about. How much you have to hold back. 

 

Like when you’re hugging your best girl, Roxy, you have to be just a little careful because yeah, you could easily hurt her if you forgot yourself. You’re still a little worried about sex stuff that way. Since so much about it is sort of … letting go. But you’ll figure it out. And it’s not like you’re the only person who has to worry sometimes about their incredible superhuman strength that they manifested in their teenage years. There’s actually a support group for that, weirdly enough. You’re thinking of going. 

 

But you’ve been asked by a lady to engage in mock combat, and one does not turn down a lady’s invitation to engage in simulated battle. 

 

It’s good for you both. There’s no denying or ignoring the fact that you’re a  _ lot  _ stronger than Kanaya, even holding back a little, but she’s crazy fast and she’s probably got an advantage on you with technique. You’ve become fond of good old fusticuffs, but Kanaya’s learned a lot of cool, fluid martial arts. Like literally everything your old pal Rose’s girlfriend does, it’s beautiful and graceful. 

 

It feels a little like dancing, and as it turns out, you’re pretty fucking good at dancing too. 

 

“Sometimes I feel like I should be just a little worried about you two.” Rose smirks softly as she leans in the doorway, watching you two fight. “Much as I enjoy the sight of you two fighting each other spiritedly .. Kanaya? I was wondering if I could talk to John for a little bit, about something.” 

 

“Certainly.” Kanaya replied. “John will be glad for the respite. I was about to send him to a humiliating and unseemly defeat.” 

 

“Yeah, suuuure!” You grin and offer Kanaya a fistbump of martial respect. She obligingly raps her knuckles against yours and saunters off, leaving you and Rose alone for a moment. You kind of wonder what’s up. Maybe Rose saw something crazy in one of her crazy Seer of Light visions or something. You wouldn’t mind going to beat Gamzee up right now. In fact, you’ve got a plan to borrow a new and awesome hammer to do that with! 

 

Man, now you’re remembering the look on Thor’s face when you lifted his hammer. It’s not even that big! You lift heavier stuff all the time! Though weirdly, you feel even stronger when you lift it. It’s kind of rad. And you can throw it and stuff and it comes back! And nobody else can use it against you! Yeah, you’re definitely calling him about taking that hammer out for a spin against Gamzee. That and the Vrillyhoo Popamatic. 

 

Which reminds you that you’ve got to talk to Vriska. You’re not looking forward to that. You’ve never  _ quite  _ given up on her and it actually hurts to watch her be everything she once told you she hated about being a troll.

 

But you’re being rude with your thoughts. Rose is there and she deserves your full attention. 

 

“There was something I wanted to ask you, John. It’s … not traditional, I know, but I don’t really have any parents and it’s a little weird to ask Roxy to do it.” Rose paused for a moment. “But … anyway. As you know it’s tradition for someone to walk the bride down the aisle. We’re not doing any of the weird sexist property transfer stuff, but I …” Rose laughs slightly. “Oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m probably being incredibly weird. What I’m trying to say, John, is … will you walk me down the aisle?” 

 

There’s only one proper response to a heartfelt request like that from a lady, and a lady who is maybe your very oldest friend besides. 

 

“I’d love to, Rose.” You grin back at her. 

 

“Oh …” She smiles thinly too. “That and I found some of Gamzee’s shitty troll friends. Wanna go beat them up?” 

 

“Yeah.” You grin back. “Yeah, I’d like to beat the shit out of some shitty clowntroll wannabes.” 

 

You really would. 

  
  
  
  



	26. GAMZEE: PLOT NEXT MOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Dave has written a diss track against Gamzee. 
> 
> Gamzee's got bigger and better things to do, however. Like get all the superpowers he can find.

*turntechGodhead has started pestering (everyone)*

TT: hey motherfuckers this is the new joint from yours truly

TT: with guest rhymes by none other than my man snoop

TT: this one goes out to you gamzee

TT: you punkass chucklefucking motherfucking bitch

 

“.. it’s kind of a catchy tune.” Harley paused for a moment. “But he’s just tryin’ to get you out in the open where he can bring all of his stupid godtier friends all at once. We need more time to get you the power you need to level up with those bozos.” She paused for a second. “... speaking of power, how’s that slimy alien thing that lives with you now.”

 

“WE’RE DOIN’ MOTHERFUCKING WONDERFUL.” Gamzee snarled, tendrils of red and black dancing over his slate-grey skin and then covering the whole in a living carpet of blood and void. He felt the symbiote’s voice whispering unspeakable violence into his ears, stoking his rage. It felt nice to hear, nicer than any fucking pillow talk he’d ever heard. “we’re just jamming it out together, right in my fuckin’ think pan.” 

 

He chuckled lowly. “Symbiotes. Motherfuckin’ miracles up in my blood.” He watched as the fingers of his hands turned into razor-sharp claws and then back into his fingers. Lazily, he gestured towards the radio playing Strider’s newest piece of blasphemy. Razor-sharp blades shot out of his hands, neatly destroying the offending electronic equipment.  _ Yeah, I’m gonna make way motherfuckin’ better use of my new little friend than that fucking ginger human ever did.  _

 

Gamzee got off of the makeshift throne he’d made himself, striding down easily, his footsteps eerily silent for a troll of his size. “I’M OFF TO A GOOD MOTHERFUCKIN’ START BUT I’M GONNA NEED MORE IF I’M GONNA PAINT THE WICKED PICTURES WITH THE BLOOD OF SOME MOTHERFUCKIN’ GODS.” He turned towards Harley for a moment. “you ain’t failed me so far. find me something better, something even more powerful. whatever the fucking price.” His lips pulled back inhumanly far into a savage grin, showing newly sharpened teeth. 

 

“If I may speak, Lord …” One of his troll followers, wearing facepaint that looked like a skull said quietly, but purposefully.  _ They’d better fuckin’ hope it’s purposeful, or I’ll cram their oxygen tubes into their nooks and let em’ strangle and bleed out at the same time.  _ The symbiote softly purred its approval over that theoretical course of action. 

 

“GUESS YOU MOTHERFUCKIN’ ARE …” Gamzee replied, getting close to the skull-faced troll and leaning in close, close enough for the troll to feel his hot breath against his face. “i’m listening.” 

 

“There is a … blundering dolt who insists on bumbling across the land, possessed of a physical power which makes him literally unstoppable. It is said he is empowered by a god of rage and destruction-” The troll’s speech was stopped by Gamzee clapping his enormous hands on his shoulders and laughing. 

 

“I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE IT. A GOD OF RAGE DESERVES SOMEONE BETTER.” Gamzee’s voice dropped again. “a motherfucker like me. i want this bitch found and when you’ve found him, i’m gonna take his powers and fucking kill him. what’s this dumb fucker’s name?” 

 

“The Juggernaut, my Lord. He was last sighted in the vicinity of a private school in upstate New York.” 

 

“You mean the mutant school?” Harley’s lip curled slightly. “I tried to apply to be the guidance counsellor there and they refused me! With my credentials! What psychologist has been working with freaks of nature longer than me?” 

 

“THEN MAYBE THAT’S WHERE WE GO FUCKING LOOKING FOR OUR FRIEND. AND IF NOTHING ELSE, I GET TO PAINT THE WALLS WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF HUMAN GRUB RED.” Gamzee laughed. He reached down to pick up a tank of liquid Joker venom, breaking off the top of the container and drinking the whole thing down, his next laugh coming out as a maniacal hyena shriek. 

 

“you know what? get me another fuckin’ radio. i wanna listen to that strider bitch’s dumb song. maybe write me an reply …” 

 

Harley went off quickly to get another radio. As expected, Strider had his diss song playing on just about every radio station, in slightly different instrumental formats, on extremely heavy rotation. It didn’t take Gamzee long to memorize every single fucking line that Dave had written, the exact cadence of the lyrics. Gamzee decided that he’d write his reply in blood. Maybe at that stupid mutant school that his next target liked to hang around. 

 

Maybe one of the dumb human wrigglers would have some power worth stealing. 

 

_ I gotta be strong, so I can spread the Master’s dark carnival across the face of the Earth. One step at a fuckin’ time, friends. One step at a fuckin’ time.  _

  
  



	27. KARKAT: BE UNCOMFORTABLY AROUSED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat beholds the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.
> 
> And of course, it is promptly ruined. 
> 
> But it still happened. It totally transpired.

*turntechGodhead has started trolling carcinoGeneticist*

TG: sup karkat

CG: I’M FINE, I GUESS. SHOULDN’T YOU BE ON THE PILE OR SOMETHING WITH THE GIRLS? 

TG: yeah we had a feelings jam it was pretty great dog

TG: just so many feels exchanged and sublimated 

CG: GOOD FOR YOU THREE. SO I’M STILL WONDERING WHY PRECISELY WE’RE CONVERSING. 

TG: ouch dude

TG: just because were not pale doesnt mean we cant be pals

TG: i mean pal is basically pale with a missing e

TG: were like three quarters there

TG: which is fully fifty percent more than halfway there

TG: were not just living on this prayer karkat

TG: were thriving man

CG: YES I AM GLAD THAT YOUR GRASP OF BASIC MATHEMATICS AND SHITTY POP CULTURE REFERENCES REMAINS INTACT. HOPEFULLY YOUR FIGHTING SKILLS REMAIN AS LETHALLY EFFECTIVE. 

CG: AND YES, IT IS WELL ESTABLISHED THAT WE HAVE INEXPLICABLY BECOME FRIENDS AND YOU COULD EVEN SAY THE LABEL OF ‘BRO’ IS NOT FACTUALLY INACCURATE. BUT HONESTLY I THOUGHT YOU’D BE BUSY WITH THE GIRLS. 

TG: oh i am dude

TG: actually this is their idea

CG: WHAT IS THEIR IDEA? 

TG: this

 

*turntechGodhead has turned on his webcam* 

 

CG: YOU ARE WEARING A FUCKING DRESS, STRIDER. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A FUCKING DRESS, DAVE??

 

OH GOD THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. AND BY BEAUTIFUL, YOU MEAN COMPLETELY HOT AS FUCK. OH SHIT OH SHIT DAVE IS WEARING A DRESS AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT FACT OR YOURSELF. OH FUCK. 

 

TG: girls gave me a makeover

CG: I HONESTLY NEVER FIGURED YOU FOR WEARING DRESSES. I MEAN, YOU USUALLY SUBSCRIBE TO A VERY STEREOTYPICALLY MASCULINE MODE OF DRESS. 

CG: I MEAN, THAT’S FINE IF YOU’VE DECIDED TO EXPLORE SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. BUT A LITTLE UNEXPECTED, YOU KNOW? 

TG: im glad that im still capable of taking your breath away this far into our relationship

TG: keeps shit fresh you know?

 

DAVE STRIDER NEEDS TO STOP TALKING LIKE YOU’RE MATESPRITS BECAUSE THAT’S JUST GOING TO GET YOUR STUPID THINK PAN GOING AND GOING AND GOING. IT MAKES YOU FEEL BOTH KIND OF BAD AND MONSTROUSLY HORNY AT THE SAME TIME, WHICH MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE. 

 

IT ISN’T THAT YOU’RE NOT HAPPY WITH TEREZI. IT IS NOT THAT YOU WOULD EVER CONTEMPLATE FUCKING LEAVING HER. YOU LOVE YOUR UNIQUE LITTLE HATE-FLAVOURED MATESPRITSHIP. BUT YOU ARE A GREEDY LITTLE FUCKER AND YOU ALSO HONESTLY KIND OF WANT DAVE TOO. AND THAT’S BEEN TRUE FOR AWHILE. 

 

BUT IT IS SO FUCKING WRONG. DAVE IS YOUR FUCKING MATESPRIT’S MOIRAIL. 

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK. 

 

OH GOD HE LOOKS SO GOOD IN THAT DRESS. 

 

CG: DID KANAYA DESIGN THAT DRESS? IT LOOKS LIKE HER WORK. 

TG: good eye bro

TG: yeah ameg and pyrope designed it for me

TG: im not usually a dress dude but this is actually kinda awesome?

TG: not an everyday thing but you know i could wear this shit to prom

TG: id be the belle of the fucking ball

TG: the homecoming queen but also the king because baby i got a surprise under the hem

 

DAVE STOP ALLUDING TO YOUR JUNK. OR MAYBE MAKE MORE DUMB DICK REFERENCES BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY ANNOYS YOU AND MAYBE TAKES THE EDGE OFF OF THE SHINING PERFECTION OF IMAGINING TAKING DAVE TO THE PROM. AND FUCK YOURSELF FOR THINKING THAT WAS EVEN A CONCEPT. 

 

CG: I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THE EXACT STATUS OF YOUR WEIRD ALIEN JUNK, DAVE. KEEP YOUR SHAME GLOBES AND BULGE SECURELY FASTENED IN WHATEVER UNDERGARMENTS YOU’VE GOT. 

TG: dude are you turning red

CG: I AM NOT TURNING RED. 

TG: dude relax

TG: like a little blush is probably a natural reaction

TG: to the fucking glory that is me in this dress

TG: but your denial seems hella suspicious

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE

TG: aw there you go theres the karkat i know

TG: okay the girls said i should do a twirl for you

TG: let you get the full three sixty

 

YOU ARE NOT SURE IF YOU HAVE EVER WANTED TO SEE ANYTHING MORE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. 

 

CG: SURE, WHATEVER. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. 

TG: okay imma get up

TG: maybe get a little groove on

TG: here it goes

TG: imma twirl 

 

IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE DAMN WORLD. FUCK YOURSELF FOR THINKING THAT BUT IT’S TRUE. 

 

TG: H4H4H4 3NJOY1NG TH3 V13W? 

TG: oh my god!!! karkat, you’re blushing so much!

 

AND SUDDENLY PERFECTION HAS TURNED INSIDE OUT AND UPSIDE DOWN INTO NEGATIVE PERFECTION. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN YOUR LIFE.

 

DAT DRESS THO. 

 

DAT.

 

DRESS. 

 

THO.

 


	28. ARADIA: RETURN TO DREAM BUBBLES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia comes back to the dream bubbles to speak to someone special to her. 
> 
> It's pretty bittersweet. But mostly bitter.

*turntechGodhead has started trolling apocalypseArisen* 

TG: hey ameg 

TG: where you at

AA: i’m going back!

TG: are you sure thats a good idea

AA: i’ll be careful, dave. i promise. but the dream bubbles are such a big part of my life. and the dead need me.

TG: hella proud of you ameg

TG: just remember the living need you too ok?

AA: 0u0 <>

TG: <>

TG: knock em dead kid

TG: or uh deader

AA: will do, dave! 

 

As it happened, however, you are meeting a very particular ghost. You’ve got a great many dead friends, of course, and you love them all dearly, but there was someone who was a little more important than the others. She isn’t just a frien dof yours, but something much closer to the human concept of family, nothing so much as a big sister. 

 

You find Damara Megido sitting on top of a cliff looking over a raging sea. You flit down to sit beside her ancestor quietly. Damara didn’t like big dramatic entries or overly sentimental greetings. She usually spoke in a deliberately thick accent to confuse and annoy people that she didn’t care to communicate with, or intentionally made herself sound like she lacked fluency in the main Alternian language to make people underestimate her. 

 

You know better on both scores. 

 

“don’t suppose you brought something to smoke, did you?” Damara finally asked, turning towards her. “or maybe some of that human soporific. i don’t really care to feel anything right now. unless you’d like to fuck or something.” 

 

You laugh. “damara! we’ve been over this alreaaaady.”

 

“you’re weird, aradia.” Damara pronounced, but there was the tiny ghost of something approaching a smile on her face. “you’re nice to me. i could make you feel good. maybe change your mind.” You know though, that Damara was basically just teasing. Most of her aggressively sexual banter with other people was a calculated shock tactic. 

 

“but you are in luck!” You grin as you open up her backpack and passed over a small bag of weed and rolling papers, along with a small bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. In other circumstances, you would probably not be so happy to enable what was probably an addiction of some kind, but honestly, Damara’s inner life was such a complete hellscape that her poor ancestor probably needed any escape she could get. 

 

Damara didn’t need someone to hector her about her bad habits. She needed someone who actually gave a shit about her and was willing to actually listen to what she had to say. From what you could gather, none of her fellow ancestors had given her even the slightest genuine regard. You’ve kind of come to the conclusion that most of the ancestors were a pack of useless douchenozzles.  _ It’s strange to think that so many of us were raised to hero-worship them.  _

 

Damara reached for the soporifics eagerly and quickly rolled herself a joint, before looking up at Aradia. “you want to smoke with me?” 

 

“sure, why not?” You’re … actually fairly familiar with weed. Dave and Jade both occasionally indulge and you’ve joined them a few times. Karkat’s been known to join you guys too. Terezi doesn’t like it much, probably due to its rather strong smell, though she loves to tease you both when you’re high. Which really isn’t that often. You’re too busy with your various duties as a psychopomp and ambassador to the afterlife to do anything intoxicating very often! 

 

But it’s kind of nice once in awhile, so you swipe the joint that Damara rolled and take a puff before passing it back over to her, exhaling the smoke in a neat little cloud. 

 

“aradia …” Damara speaks quietly between puffs of the joint. “i … you should know that he’s back.” 

 

“i know.” You reply. That’s really not something you want to talk about right now. You can still feel those hands around your throat. 

 

“the end is near, the lord has returned.” Damara actually sounds a little sad when she speaks. “the only way to survive the end to come is to serve him. you should come with me, aradia.” 

 

You decline the next offer of the joint. Your desire to get high pretty much vanishes immediately when she mentions actually serving Lord English. “you should join us and fight him! we beat him before!” 

 

Damara actually smiles faintly. “I wish i had hope like you. but i’m too tired to fight for the impossible anymore. i can’t do that, just like i’m not joining meenah’s reborn ghost army.” 

 

You glance towards Damara for a second. “wait … i thought the ghost army had disbanded?” 

 

Damara laughs but there’s no humour in it this time, the brief moment of warmth dissolved in a sea of bitterness. “meenah thinks she can steal life at the end of her fork. that she can live again by conquering the realm of the living. i told her to sodomize herself with her fork.” She paused for a moment. “i won’t tell you to shove anything anywhere. but … this is hopeless, aradia. entropy always wins. not even you can fight the death of the universe.” 

 

“i can and i will.” you reply, sadly, but firmly. “i wish you’d come with me, damara. we could use you.” 

 

“i wish i cared to.” Damara replied coldly. “thanks for the weed and sopor liquid. i’ll be here if you change your mind.” Her voice warmed for just a moment. “please think about it. i don’t want to watch you die, aradia.” 

 

“... you really wouldn’t consider fighting? for the dead in the bubbles? for the living?” You really want to believe that this could end some other way. 

 

“only one person i care anything about.” Damara said after a long pause. 

 

“enough to fight?” You ask hopefully, even though you fear the answer. 

 

“i’m sorry, aradia.” Damara looks genuinely sad as she looks at you with wide dead eyes. 

 

“me too.” You manage to whisper before you abscond, feeling sadder than you had when you left. You’ve got something important to tell your friends. 


	29. JOHN: SPEAK TO ESTRANGED FRIEND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally goes to talk to Vriska. But he's found out something beforehand, which changes the tone of the conversation ...

You didn’t know the best way to go about talking to Vriska, so you decided to just drop into the studio where she filmed the indoor segments of her horrible show. The security at the door seemed fairly determined at first to stop you but then one of them recognized who you actually were and they just melted away into nothingness, like dew in the morning sun. That’s the funny thing about being one of the most powerful beings in existence. 

 

People don’t tend to want to fuck with your shit. 

 

That’s a big relief to you because you really aren’t here to hurt anyone, especially some poor guy who is just doing their job. You wouldn’t anyway, not much, but you’re glad that there’s not even the risk. Anyways, you’ve got a far more important job to do. You walk down the corridor to Vriska’s dressing room. It would be very ungentlemanly to just walk in, or knock down the door, or become the breeze and flow in. She could be naked in there or something. 

 

So you knock on the door, gently as you can. You’re pretty good at controlling your absolutely insane level of strength so it sounds like a normal person knocking. 

 

“Pretty sure that I told all of you people that this is my special Vriska time and that you need to give me my privacy during my special Vriska time.” You don’t comment out loud about what precisely that  _ sounds  _ like. Especially when she is so damned insistent sounding about it. You try not to dwell on the thought. Maybe she’s just meditating in there or something. 

 

Because, you know, Vriska Serket was famous for her love of peace and tranquility. 

 

But you’re going to have to be a little insistent here. You’ve got important business and frankly, you’ve got other important business to attend to later. Much nicer important business. Which will likely  _ also  _ involve nudity. And nice massage oil and this sparkling juice that makes a great substitute for champagne for someone who has sworn off of alcohol- and honestly, you’re not liable to start drinking, considering how much it fucked up two people you love. 

 

Yeah, it’d sure be nice just to dwell on how awesome and sexy your girlfriend is and how awesome tonight is probably gonna be. But you’ve got business. Tragically unsexy business. Important friendleader business. And you’re gonna get to it. So you’re going to say something. 

 

“Geez, Vriska! Your special Vriska time? Do you have any idea how that even sounds?” 

 

The door opens pretty much immediately. 

 

“... John?” Vriska looks at you. “Whoa, John! You could’ve called ahead or something! Fuck! I mean, come in! Come in!” A thin arm reaches in and pulls you inside, by which you mean that you’re allowing it to pull you in because even though Vriska’s also godtier, she’s got precisely nothing on you in terms of sheer physical strength. “Uh, good to see you, John!” 

 

She stops for a moment and it’s like she’s actually looking at you the first time, because her eyes visibly widen. “Um. Um. Really good to see you, John. Nice of you to uh, visit. And yeah. Good seeing you. Really, um, nice seeing you.” Vriska flips her hair idly. “You uh, it’s perfectly fine. I mean, nice surprise!” 

 

It takes you a moment to realize that she’s eying you up like a steak dinner. Which makes you wonder about some things that you’ve recently learned about her. In any case, you’re not really interested in her attentions. You’ve got a girlfriend and she’s amazing and also trustworthy and loyal, not to mention kind and generous. Roxy can be sassy as hell but you know that she’d never betray you, never stab you in the back, never sell you out for a fleeting shot at personal glory. 

 

Which is to say you’re gonna stamp on Vriska’s little moment like it was a flaming bag of shit. You could even say, to say something like Dave would, that you were gonna drop some bombs on her. 

 

“So what’s up with Meenah and the ghost army?” 

 

Vriska just  _ stares.  _ Yeah, she wasn’t expecting that, was she? 

 

THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO

 

*apocalypseArisen is trolling ectoBiologist*

AA: hey john, have you spoken to vriska yet? 

EB: not yet, but i’m gonna soon. 

AA: there’s something you should know about vriska. 

AA: you know the ghost army that fought lord english? 

EB: yeah! man, i’m jealous that you got to fight with a badass ghost army, aradia!

AA: okay, it was legit pretty awesome 0u0

AA: but like, back to seriousville usa

AA: the ghost army has been reformed and meenah’s leading it

EB: meenah?

AA: punkass feferi? junior mcseabitch?

EB: oh yeah, she tried to stab me some! also, i feel like you’re spending a little too much time with dave, hehe

AA: eh it’s cool bro

AA: i got all the time

AA: i’m made of it, dog

AA: ((get it? maid of time?))

EB: don’t explain your puns! :P 

EB: also, i’m not backing down from the ‘too much time with dave’ theory

AA: haha

AA: but yeah seriously, meenah wants to conquer the world of the living

AA: and vriska’s her agent on the inside

EB: well shit, that’s a hell of a thing

EB: but you’re kind of an expert on dead people shenanigans

EB: so i’m gonna just believe you and thank you for the info

AA: you’re welcome!

AA: good luck and john?

EB: yeah, aradia?

AA: watch your back.

EB: yeah, i will.

  
  
  
  



	30. VRISKA: 8E THIRSTY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vriska is so damn thirsty for John. So damn thirsty. 
> 
> Also, her opinions on Wales and the Welsh are not mine.

You’re sure like to know who the fuck told Egbert about Meenah. Not that it matters. Meenah and her ghost army are badass and you’re damn happy to be her matesprit. Meenah’s great. She’s fierce and proud and has this really great sense of her own authority. It was like she was made to rule. Meenah will tolerate no shit from anyone, and that’s pretty awesome.

 

And just because Egbert is tall and muscley and sexy doesn’t change anything. You’re not thirsty for a drink of a tall glass of John Egbert. Not at all. Nope! That time of your life is over! Your bulge isn’t threatening to come out, not one bit. And you haven’t cast even the most casual of glances towards his, either. Nope! You are not lustfully contemplating the most carnal of embraces with him.

 

After all, he’s marked you for a liar and a dissembler. And that’s not cool. But you’ll set the record straight.

 

“John.” You begin, ready to pour a torrent of eloquence onto him that he’ll never forget. He’ll be an eloquence sundae with extra wordsauce. You refuse to consider the notion of pouring chocolate syrup over his abs and licking it up. Nope! You’re not going there. You are neither hungry or thirsty for the Egbert!

 

“John, you don’t understand.The ghost army isn’t going to conquer anything! And Meenah just wants to live again! Can you blame her? What kind of asshole would you be to say, “hey, dead people can’t live again?” I distinctly remember you resurrecting at least a few times, Mr. Egbert!”  You tap your finger against his chest for emphasis. Righteous emphasis. God, his pecs are so hard.

 

He smells good, too. A little bit of cologne (someone must’ve told him how to do that properly, most guys are SO CLUELESS) and a whole lotta just, John Egbert.

 

“Vriska? Uh … you’re kinda staring at me?” Well, it’s good to know that Sexy McJohnface is still a derp. You’re not sure if that actually diminishes his appeal, though.

 

“Yeah! Uh, I mean, absolutely not! But .. like, what business is it of yours if Meenah wants to have a ghost army-”

 

“And conquer the world of the living?” John counters. “Also, there’s a bigger problem, Vriska. Lord English.”

 

“Lord English is GONE. I saw to that myself, handsome!” You laugh, because that’s pretty dumb and pathetic of John. Lord English? More like, Lord Wales, for how lame he was.” That’s because you think Wales is lame. You really don’t know anything about Wales. You just know that it’s the part of the United Kingdom that people talk about the least. You can only assume that’s because Wales is lame.

 

“Vriska, he is NOT dead. He just attacked Aradia.” John frowns and the serious look just makes him look even more smolderingly sexy. _Okay, maybe I do want just a little sip of that tall glass of John. Just a little. Fuck. It’s kinda hot in here._ John’s clearly doing this as part of a surprisingly cunning strategy to get you to change your mind. You’re almost inclined to fall for it. You know he has a girlfriend, but surely he’d rather be with you, right? Or maybe …

 

_Vriska, you are a fucking genius. SO SMART._

 

You lean in really close. “Why the fuck should I want to help a lame wriggler like you, John?” You smile cruelly, showing off your sharp, sharp fangs. Yeah, maybe it’s time to put the ‘kiss’ into ‘kismesis’. You could do with a little hatesex. It’s been awhile since you’ve had anything properly caliginous after all. It’s the most brilliant idea you’ve had in whole perigrees. Well, maybe weeks.

 

Damn, you have a lot of amazing ideas.

 

"Really, Vriska?" John frowns intently. "As if I could ever hate you. If I wanted a stupid blackrom, I'd have one with Terezi." 

 

Ow. _Ow. Right in the feels, John. Right in the deep-seated, unresolved feels._

 

“Lord English is back for real and here’s the deal. Go tell Meenah that we know about her ghost army. Tell her that if she helps us beat Lord English, we’ll try and find whatever way we can to bring her back to life. Without conquering the world.” He pauses for a moment from sounding so damn manly, and when did John become a proper man, anyway? “And tell her that if she insists on becoming the second Condesce, we’ll take her down just like we did the first one.”

“And … uh, what about me?” God, you want to fuck him. Red. Black. You’ll have a triple. Quadruple. You’ll have all of it. _All of it._

 

The spell of his ultimate sexiness dispels just a little as he looks at you again and you can see your old dorky friend again and suddenly you kinda feel bad, because you can see you’ve hurt him. Maybe a lot. And you guys were pretty close. You confided pretty much everything to John. And he confided a lot in you.

 

“Don’t make me take you down too, Vriska.” He sounds like he’s actually asking. Not really begging, because apparently grown!John is a fairly dignified creature. The implication is clear, though. _I remember the good times we had, Vriska, but by god, I will take you down too if I need to. And you damn well know I can do it too._

 

You really want to say something sassy, something incisive and witty that’ll make you come back out on top. But the words don’t come and John leaves and you’re left wondering about all the endless shitty choices you’ve made in your life.

 

Also you’re still kinda horny.

 

_Stupid sexy John._


	31. ROSE: ASSESS ECTOBROTHER'S RELATIONSHIP STATUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is attending a social function along with Dave, Aradia and Jade. She speaks to Dave about recent developments. 
> 
> Then something bad happens. 
> 
> OOC- Yeah, the Homestuck porn stories are now canon. Unless I say they aren't.

You hope that John is doing well in his quixotic mission to make Vrisk an ally. You suppose it’s not overly generous to say that, but you’ve got an abysmally low opinion of Serket, one fed by a great number of interactions with people that she’s fucked over through her life. If anyone could succeed in said mission, you know it would be John. You know Vriska’s always had a soft spot for John and you’re guessing that she’s not going to be any less sweet on him. You just hope that John watches his back. Just because Vriska’s had a long-standing affection for him doesn’t mean she won’t stab him in the back whenever it’s convenient. 

 

Right now, however, you are at an altogether more pleasant social engagement. Somewhat to your surprise, you were even able to finagle Dave and Jade to accompany you. You were only mildly surprised when they seemed oddly insistent that Aradia come along with them, but since they’ve arrived, well, you’ve got your suspicions about what’s going on there. It’s not so much that Dave and Aradia seem close- they’re moirails and it goes with the territory.

 

But  _ Aradia and Jade?  _ The way that they’re giggling and holding hands and whispering in each other’s ears as they tug each other from social encounter to social encounter? Honestly, it’s about eight million kinds of adorable. But it also makes you wonder if you were incorrect about a few assumptions that you’d made about Aradia.  _ To be fair, they were assumptions that she’d made about herself. And someone who was demisexual might not even realize that was the case until they formed the emotional association.  _

 

You know it’s probably wrong for you to go and make more assumptions about the nature of their relationship, but you’re also saying that there’s absolutely zero chance that they aren’t at least occasionally fucking. 

 

“Hey.” Dave sidles up to where you are, virtually expressionless as always, though you can tell he’s watching the girls. He’s found himself one of the high-end craft root beers they were thoughtful enough to put out for the underagers (which technically includes you) and for people who are not inclined to drink (oh, you’re fucking  _ inclined,  _ but you know you’d better not) and he’s sucking it down like it was an actual beer. You can’t help but smirk to yourself. 

 

You have to admit that Dave does a decent impression of a stone-cold badass, but you know better. He’s a bigger dork than John in his own way. 

 

“Hello David.” You lean against him comfortably and turn your attention to Jade and Aradia, who are excitedly demonstrating their abilities to a redheaded girl who returns the favor by making cutlery dance about gracefully. It’s sort of amazing to you, how effortlessly both of them can manage being social butterflies. “So …” You indicate the girls, who conveniently give each other a quick kiss. Really, it was nice of them to highlight the obvious situation like that. 

 

“Yep.” Dave replies monosyllabically in his inimitable fashion, or at least one of them, the other one being a lengthy, vulgar stream of consciousness with creative use of metaphor that usually fills North America’s quota of Freudian cliches. When you look up at him, though, there’s a tiny, nearly imperceptible but absolutely extant and completely shit-eating grin on his face. 

 

“So when did you go from exploring pale polyamory to flushed?” You ask softly. “And whose idea was it? I suppose it doesn’t matter, really. I’m guessing it was Jade- even though I have to be honest, I always thought her and Karkat had a bit of a thing.” You’re also pretty sure that Dave and Karkat had a bit of a thing and that Karkat still has a little bit of a thing for Dave. Just like Terezi has her unrequited hatecrush on John that you’re pretty sure will persist until the day she dies. 

 

You try not to consider that fact further, that Sollux, Karkat and Terezi might very well one day simply die of old age. When you won the game, nobody said if immortality came with the deal. Meanwhile, you and several of your friends will certainly, barring some dramatic and arc-concluding act of sacrifice or villainy- will live forever. Eternity. It seems exciting in the abstract, but the idea frightens you as well. 

 

Mothers aren’t supposed to outlive their children. And most especially not their great-great-great-great-grandchildren. 

 

Assuming you and Kanaya could find a way to have children together. You add that to the list of things you don’t really want to dwell on right now. 

 

“Well, uh, A-Meg hasn’t met a new experience that she doesn’t want to try and I think we all know that Jade’s basically a kinkosaurus rex, so untangling who thought of what first is sort of beside the point.” Dave shrugs slightly and takes another drink of his beer substitute. “We’re kinda trying out the  _ menage a trois  _ thing right now. I dunno, it’s pretty cool. Things are going good.” 

 

“What about Terezi?” You kinda wish that maybe, you hadn’t said it, basically the instant you did. But the words are out there and maybe, just maybe, it’s good that someone put that out there. Because you can’t actually imagine that Terezi’s thrilled about this. Or rather, you suppose that you’d be a bit fucked up about it if you were her. After all, she used to date Dave and even though that only lasted so long, you know they have a special bond. 

 

Or did. 

 

You kinda wonder if the time fairy hasn’t usurped that a little. You wonder if that’s a little mean for you to even speculate about.

 

Dave steps back a little. “Pyrope’s okay. I mean, we’ve both made it real clear to her that the palemance is still on. And you know, if anything, honestly, she’ll probably get more of my precious plush pile time? It’s fine, Rose. Not everything has to be some weird goddamn young adult he-said she-said dramafest-” 

 

“Methinks the Knight doth protest too much-” But Dave shoots you a ‘shut the fuck’ up look that makes you, actually, shut the fuck up. 

 

“Something’s fucked.” Dave finally says. “ _ Listen.”  _ That’s not a tone that is anything but a command, or one that Dave ever uses unless he is absolutely serious. 

 

You hear a faint hiss. Like gas entering a room. And then distantly, you hear the sound of laughter. Maniac laughter. Laughter that simultaneously rattles the walls and scratches nails across every chalkboard in existence. Laughter that sounds like screams. Laughter without joy. The laughter that kills. 

 

And then you hear a fucking  _ honk.  _


	32. KANAYA: ENGAGE IN COMBAT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee's party-crashing ways are not appreciated by Kanaya.
> 
> However, she finds herself at something of an unexpected disadvantage.

You’re not quite sure how this turned from a relatively straightforward engagement into a very dangerous battle for all of your lives, with an actual chance of failure. Certainly, it seemed fortuitous that Rose had so quickly been able to find the canisters of gas and that you’d been able to swiftly deal with them- your rainbow drinker physiology, such as it was, made you completely immune to the toxin. After all, it needed to be inhaled, and you don’t need to breathe.

 

All you require is blood, and Rose is generous enough to part with hers frequently enough to sate that particular hunger. Speaking of which, there’s the coppery scent of blood in the air and it’s kind of making you peckish. Perhaps you should have eaten sooner before the party, but it’s always awkward explaining the neat little pin-prick holes on Roses’ throat. 

 

People always seemed surprised to find out that, yes, indeed, rainbow drinkers did drink blood. Then again, people tended to be remarkably stupid. 

 

You think that the course of the combat changed when the annoying girl with the shrill accent and frankly rather unwholesome clown outfit showed up with a ridiculous-looking hammer out of seemingly nowhere and took out both Aradia and Jade with a single swing. Both Aradia and Jade possessed powers that could have ended the combat remarkably swiftly.

 

“Stand still! It’ll hurt less if you lemme get a clean-” The shrill annoying clown girl shouts at you as she swings the hammer, but you’re not a powerful but relatively fragile (Megido and Harley are both immortal but hardly strong per se) god-tier troll. You’re a rainbow drinker you are officially tired of this shrill girl’s bullshit. You simply reach out, the movement assuredly a blur to her limited human perception and grab the stupid-looking hammer out of her hand and toss it well to the side. 

 

Then you punch her in the face. You’re pretty sure you see a tooth flying out of there and a satisfying amount of blood. She doesn’t quickly get up after that. You briskly whip out your lipstick, twirling it idly in your hand until it becomes something much heavier and deadlier. Gamzee’s henchmen start clearing away from you instinctively. They know what you’re capable of. That you will not hesitate to end their pathetic lives and look great doing it. 

 

You’re Kanaya Maryam and you are a goddamn badass. 

 

“I Know You’re Out There, Gamzee. Why Don’t We Just End This Pathetic Charade? Come Out. Unless Of Course, You Haven’t The Physical Courage To Do So. Which Honestly, Would Be In Character.” 

 

You pause for a second to let that sink in. 

 

“And In Case You Are Too Stupid To Comprehend Even The Slightest Of Subtleties, I Am Insinuating That You Are A Rank Coward. I Would Say That You Were A Piece Of Shit But That Would Be Unfairly Denigrating To Faecal Matter.” 

 

“Sick burn, Maryam.” Dave deadpans near you, snapping his fingers and summoning a few more Daves into being. 

 

“YOU MOTHERFUCKING TALK TOO MUCH.”

 

The voice sounds huge, even for Makara, but you’re not frightened of him. You’ve never been frightened of him. Fear is something that others hold for you and you know that Gamzee’s feared you for years. He hid from you for literally years on the meteor and he’s seemingly hesitant to face you now. You rev your chainsaw, ready for him if he decides to be brave enough to make an appearance. If he wishes to do further damage or inflict casualties, he’ll have to. 

 

The students did a very good job of ensuring that everyone else got out. If they were a little older, you imagine that they’d be good fighters. Then again, you realize, you weren’t older when all this started and you’re barely older  _ now.  _ You’re coming up on ten sweeps. Rose is twenty earth years old, as are all the other humans. It’s somewhat crazy to consider, actually. 

 

“... you always motherfucking talked too much.” There’s another diabolical, fucking honk. 

 

“... I don’t suppose John got our call.” Rose draws her needles again, glowing with a light that’s so bright it’s almost difficult for you to look at. And you’re a creature of the light. You love nothing more than the brilliant rays of the sun, even the relatively anemic yellow thing in Earth’s sky. 

 

“I Have Never Known John Not To Be Responsive To A Genuine Distress Call.” You opine. It would be a terrible, unseemly thing for John to start being a terrible friend right now. 

 

When Gamzee finally makes his appearance, though, you realize that your chainsaw probably isn’t going to cut it very well. He was always among the larger trolls, but now his form was truly gigantic, his skin crawling and alive when tendrils of midnight black and blood red, teeth drawn back in a ghastly grin, dripping bright green slime. He isn’t carrying any weapons, but he spreads his arms out and the tendrils of red and black form into ghastly claws, as secondary arms erupt from his back. 

 

“MOTHERFUCKIN’ SURPRISED?” Gamzee roars, his voice shaking the walls. You’re glad that everyone else has been evacuated. “... don’t be. i’ve been walking through this twisted fucking world that you’ve created and i’ve picked up a few things along the way. KILLED SOME UNWORTHY MOTHERFUCKERS AND TOOK THEIR POWERS, THEIR WHOLE FUCKING SCHTICK … and now i’m gonna do what i was motherfuckin’ made to do.” 

 

As he speaks, several Daves launch an attack, all at speed, but Gamzee deals easily with them all. One doomed Dave’s head sails ridiculously over the room, as if it were the object in some manner of spherical object sport, another is cracked in half. Rose attacks with her light magic, but the damage seems to be minimal. You yourself charge into the action but it’s not long before a tendril knocks you across the room, hard enough that the metaphorical lights in your thinkpan flicker. 

 

You’re tough, so they only flicker, don’t actually burn out. More Daves are attacking but the result only seems to be some sort of ridiculous Dead Dave factory. There were already more of them than Kanaya cared to see, and each further attempt to attack seemed to make the situation worse and worse. You try to at least make a decent distraction of them, making another effort to attack, but your efforts are rewarded only by being pinned to the wall by a gigantic hand, pressing downwards over you. 

 

It hurts. A  _ lot.  _

 

“NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO HURT ME NOW-” Gamzee leans in close and whispers against you, his breath hot and fetid, reeking of death and decay. “i’m gonna motherfucking enjoy this one, bitch.” 

 

There’s a sudden clap of thunder and a blinding flash of lightning then and the next thing you know, the roof is … almost non-existent and there’s howling wind and rain and thunder all around you. Gamzee turns and looks upwards, his demonic visage curling into an even wider grin. 

 

“GONNA NEED A BIGGER HAMMER THAN THAT TO HURT ME NOW, EGBERT.” Gamzee cackles madly and as he does, a cloud of gas erupts from his mouth. 

 

You know, intellectually, that John Egbert was very, very powerful. You’ve even seen it, in the battle with the Condesce. But this time, it feels different. He really  _ does  _ look like a god, his big friendly face disappearing underneath a stern glower. You note that he is indeed holding a much smaller hammer than his normal weapon, a simple stone implement by the looks of it.

But then John launches himself at Gamzee and his grip over you is broken, as the fight is joined.

 

There’s little to do but to watch the epic battle unfold. 

 


	33. TEREZI: B3 CHUCKL3VOODOO3D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee might be losing the physical battle, but he's got other ways of hurting people. 
> 
> Trigger warning- Non-con, Suicide

You are no stranger to nightmares. 

 

This is a common enough one, you’re back on the meteor, hurtling towards a fate uncertain and you’re with Gamzee, because you hate yourself and because he does such a good job of punishing you for existing. Because you think that you are living garbage and he treats you like garbage too. Because you’re afraid, deep down, that you’re just a tool of fate. 

 

And then he whispers in your ear and tells you that you’re not even good enough to be  _ that.  _

 

“you’re mine.” Gamzee would say as you made out furiously. “you’re mine because i’m a fucking generous enough motherfucker to take you. BECAUSE I’M FUCKING BORED AND YOU’LL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.” He laughs slowly and keeps insulting you as he rips off your clothes. You tell yourself it’s the usual game, you’ve had black flirtations before, shared a few sloppy, unknowing but passionate hatekisses with Vriska.

 

Kismesis isn’t nice. It isn’t kind. But it’s supposed to build you up in a strange way and make you stronger. But you don’t want that. You’re broken beyond redemption and you just want to fucking forget that you exist. Just like Rose gets lost in her alcohol, you get lost in hatesex with Gamzee, and it feels  _ right,  _ to be treated like absolute garbage, because you  _ are  _ garbage. You’re neither strong enough to resist fate or gracious enough to throw yourself headlong into it. 

 

But wasn’t that in the past? You’re better now. You’re stronger and happier now. This is the new world that you and your friends made. 

 

“you keep telling yourself that everything’s all better now, BUT WE FUCKING KNOW BETTER, DON’T WE?” Gamzee’s hand presses especially hard against you, an inexorable weight and no matter how you struggle, he doesn’t even budge. He was always stronger than you, but this is beyond that. You feel like nothing so much as a doll in his grotesquely huge hands. He flips you over and you get a decent look at him now, a grotesque fever-dream monster, covered in tendrils of living blood and night, his tall, lanky proportions swollen beyond imagining.

 

His gigantic hands cradle your head, almost tenderly at first and then press tight like a vise, so much so that you feel the stress in your fucking  _ skull  _ and as much as you want to be strong and not give him the satisfaction of screaming, it hurts so much and you’re only so strong and you scream and scream and then he laughs and kisses you, his grotesque tongue scouring your mouth, the hideous taste of gone-off grape jelly flooding your mouth. 

 

“wish you were here …” Gamzee laughs as he eases off the pressure for a moment, before slapping you across the face hard, enough to split open your lip. He kisses you again and you try to bite down on his fucking tongue this time, but it won’t cleave through and it just fills your mouth with more gross grapey blood, mingling with your own blood and it’s just endlessly gross and when he’s finally done, you’re retching at the sheer volume of it. 

 

“YOU SHOULD FUCKING SEE HIM, TEREZI.” Gamzee slaps you again and then his hands are around your throat. “little johnny egbert, your new hatecrush- mmm, he can sure dish it out, baby, so much better than you ever could … MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU NEVER FUCKING DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.” He leans in your ear, malevolently whispering, “because you’re too weak for him, just like you were too weak to keep dave …” Gamzee chuckles. “LOSING HIM IN TWO FUCKING QUADRANTS AND THIS TIME, TO THE TIME BITCH WHO ACTS LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN.” 

 

He presses harder and you can’t say anything, just choke and gurgle. He slams your head against the ground until you feel the wet flow from where he’s cut open your head. You’re dizzy, probably concussed and now there’s tendrils reaching out from him and you can feel them sharpen against your flesh and you don’t know whether you’re vaguely relieved or horrified that they’re shredding your clothes and not your flesh. You fight again, as hard as you can, but it means nothing. 

 

It always meant nothing. You’ve never been able to do a damn thing for yourself. 

 

Gamzee laughs. “don’t flatter yourself, i only fucked you because i was bored and there wasn’t anyone else available. YOU’RE NOT WORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT. THAT’S MY FUCKING POINT. YOU ARE NOT WORTH ANYTHING. YOU’RE TRASH. GARBAGE. A WASTE OF EVERYONE’S TIME AND SYMPATHY.” He grabs you by the hair and pulls it back, hard. 

 

_ He’s wrong, he’s wrong.  _

 

“you know i’m right.” Gamzee laughs again, his face now twisted and swollen, as if he’s been beaten, liberally dripping blood from several places. “HAHAHA, DON’T FUCKING WORRY, I’VE TAKEN WORSE.” His hands are at your throat again. “you are fucking worthless.” 

 

_ I am fucking worthless.  _

 

“NOBODY LOVES YOU.” 

_ Nobody loves me.  _

 

“you will never be anything but a failure.”

 

_ I will never be anything but a failure.  _

 

“SO WHY DON’T YOU DO US ALL A MOTHEFUCKING SOLID, TEREZI? 

why don’t you fucking kill yourself? :o)”

 

_ Why don’t I kill myself?  _

 

“I SAID DO IT, BITCH. DO IT. WAKE UP AND DO IT.” 

 

You wake up without a sound, slipping out of the human-style bed that you and Karkat share without waking him. You walk out of the bedroom and towards the courtblock, where you keep your nooses. Your hands are nimble and dextrous and it isn’t hard for you to adjust the noose to a you-sized neck. If you do it right, it won’t even hurt much. 

 

And then nothing will ever hurt again. 

 

_ hurry up and do it, terezi :o) _

 

**MEANWHILE**

 

You’re Gamzee now and you’re having the ever-loving shit kicked out of you by John Egbert, who’s become even more powerful than you remember. But it’s okay. You’ve got better ways to hurt them. 

 

A particularly powerful blow knocks you onto the ground, on the verge of unconsciousness. 

 

You greet the final blow with laughter, maniacal laughter. 

 

You’ve hurt them so much worse than John Egbert could ever hurt you. 

 

You wish you could see it now, see their fucking faces when they find out. 


	34. KARKAT: WAKE UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is awakened by a big smelly dog. 
> 
> He's going to be very, very glad he was.

You’re in the middle of a really, really annoying dream. In this dream, there is a giant furry creature on top of you, barking enthusiastically and licking your face. It’s breath is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Floppy ears hang around you as you’re forced to just lie there and take this creature’s tragically misplaced affection. 

 

And then you open your eyes and wakefulness can just get fucked, because Inspector Floppyears is on top of you despite being thoroughly trained to avoid the bed and licking your face and barking. But there’s something different to the timbre of his bark and as you slowly sit your ass up, the dog jumps off and looks at you, starting to bark towards the door. You blink your eyes a few more times. 

 

“TEREZI. TEREZI THE DOG WAS YOUR IDEA YOU CAN WALK THE FUCKING DOG-” You turn over and realize that Terezi’s not in bed. She’s probably decided to have a latenight solo RP in her courtblock or something. Ugh. Practically speaking, that means that you need to walk the damn dog. You hesitatingly get your feet out of bed and into some slippers and, yawning in protest, make your way to the door. 

 

The dog keeps barking and jumping up and down and as your senses slowly return to something like a waking norm, you can tell the Inspector’s not excited, nor is he just needing to excrete all over your carefully maintained yard. He’s  _ freaked out.  _ Actually, it’s coming off pretty strongly now and you hunch down a little bit, as if getting closer to your dog’s face will somehow help communication. 

 

“WHAT’S WRONG BOY? LOOK, SOMETHING’S GOT YOU FUCKED- IF IT’S NOISE IT’S PROBABLY JUST TEREZI BEING WEIRD.” The dog barks anxiously when you say Terezi, so you figure that’s what it is. “C’MON, INSPECTOR, LET’S GO FIND MOMMY. AND MAYBE SHE’LL GIVE YOU A FUCKING BATHROOM BREAK TOO.” You pap the dog’s head a little, hoping that it’ll calm him down some, but just as soon as you’re done, the Inspector’s off to the races, as if he were one of those skinny fast barkbeasts instead of a big, drooly flopear smell (and smelly) beast like he actually was. 

 

As you get closer to the courtblock, you hear the usual sounds of Terezi finding some poor scalemate guilty- you’ve got a standing order with Amazon for the damn things, thirty scalemates a month in a case, which usually seems to just about do the trick. There’s something off about the way she’s reading it, though, something weirdly hollow and empty. Usually when she’s RPing, even solo, she’s about nine hundred percent into it, and cackling in totally inappropriate glee. 

 

“HUH, OKAY, THAT’S A LITTLE WEIRD. MAYBE SHE’S TIRED, INSPECTOR.” Maybe she’s being dumb and should just head back to bed. After she, or both of you, give the dog the damn walk. You suppose it’s not a good idea to discourage the dog from looking out for you guys. Even if he is a big smelly droolbeast, he is a pretty good boy. Not every dog needs to have freakishly augmented intelligence. In fact, you’re pretty sure that that situation goes south pretty often. 

 

“.. the cruellest bench finds the defendent, Terezi Pyrope, guilty of all charges, most especially of being entirely valueless and unlovable-” 

 

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. 

 

“... I am sentenced to hang from the neck until I am dead. May the Cruellest Bench feed my worthless body to wild beasts-” 

 

  1. NO. THIS IS FUCKED. YOU DO NOT CARE IF IT IS JUST AN RP OR NOT. THIS IS FUCKED AND YOU ARE STOPPING THIS RIGHT NOW. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT THIS IS HEALTHY OR OKAY. 



 

You barge the fuck into that room, which apparently was locked, but not locked so much that an angry, desperate troll can’t kick open the door. You see Terezi standing there, with a chair not far away from where she is, and a noose hanging from that.  _ NO. FUCKING NO. I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.  _ She makes a dash towards the chair, but you’re fast when you want to be and you’re also really fucking desperate. The dog has the bright idea to charge ahead as well and knock the chair the fuck over like the amazing giant clumsy furball he is. 

 

“KARKAT!” Terezi howls as you come close. “LET ME DIE!” The weird resignation you heard in her voice is replaced by feral desperation and as you continue to block her way, she lashes out at you, not with a lot of deadly purpose, but nonetheless, you’re gonna have a lot of bruises in the morning. 

 

But you do not care. You’ll take whatever. You don’t know what the fuck has happened to Terezi but you’re going to find out properly once you can get her to stop trying to get herself killed. FUCK SHE IS REACHING FOR THE CANE. SHE IS GOING TO FUCKING STAB HERSELF TO DEATH. You do your best impression of a human football player and tackle her to the ground. 

 

“TEREZI. TEREZI, WHAT’S GOING ON? TALK TO ME.” You edge off of her a little bit at first, but then she goes reaching for the cane again. 

 

“INSPECTOR!” Terezi calls, her eyes and nose both copiously leaking teal. “I want my cane! I need it! Give it to me!” 

 

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT, INSPECTOR. MOMMY’S NOT GOOD RIGHT NOW.” The dog kind of looks at you both and just sort of flops down, clearly confused and upset, which made three of you. You’re not sure how you’re managing to keep Terezi pinned, considering that under normal circumstances, she’s far stronger than you are, but you’re doing it. 

 

“Karkat- let me go …” She looks up at you, eyes wet and pleading. “I can’t. I’m worthless. Nobody loves-” 

  
“DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT.” You try to keep the anger at bay. It’s probably not super helpful. The Inspector, as if on cue, pads over to lick Terezi’s face. “I LOVE YOU. I LOVE THE ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF YOU, TEREZI. I ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS. AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. AND THE INSPECTOR LOVES YOU TOO. AND THEY MIGHT BE DUMB FUCKFACES RIGHT NOW BUT DAVE AND ARADIA LOVE YOU. WE ALL DO. TEREZI. WE LOVE YOU. 

 

I LOVE YOU. I DON’T THINK I COULD DEAL WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU’RE THE BEST FUCKING PART OF IT.” You’re sobbing now too, pinkish liquid running down your cheek and snot threatening to come out of your nose as well. “TEREZI.” It’s hard to speak coherently now, because you’re so scared and upset and you don’t know why this is happening and it’s so much easier to counsel people when they’re a step removed from you but this is real and this is your matesprit and she was just, and still is, trying to fucking kill herself and you have no idea how or why she got so desperate. 

 

Then your fucking phone rings. You’d ignore it, but maybe it’s someone who could be some fucking backup. You’re somehow managing to keep Terezi from doing the deed here, but you don’t know how much longer you can. You pray to the troll and human gods, all of them that you know, that it’s John or Kanaya or someone strong. 

 

“hey best friend :o)” 

 

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER.” Everything suddenly snaps into place. “YOU EVIL VILE MOTHERFUCKER.” Terezi screams when she hears the voice. 

 

“JUST LET HER GO. YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN HER. LIKE FUCKING ME. I’LL BE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND FOREVER, WE CAN DANCE OVER TEREZI’S ROTTING CO-” There’s a massive impact sound and the sound of a falling phone. 

 

“Karkat!” It’s the stupid but oh-so-welcome voice of John. “Karkat, is Terezi okay? Gamzee was saying some weird stuff about her …” 

Terezi goes limp under you. She’s not struggling anymore, just quietly sobbing. You’re … you’re fairly sure she won’t reach immediately for the swordcane, but you know way better to think that she’ll be okay. Not for a long time, and not without a lot of love, support and some really good professional therapy. 

 

Chucklevoodoos are awfully persistent, especially when they feed on existing fears. 

 

“CAN YOU GUYS JUST … COME HERE? PLEASE?” You don’t bother masking how fucking desperate you are. 

 

This isn’t over yet, not by a long shot. But friends should be here soon. 


End file.
